Nepenthe

10/19/06

2006-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to see The Pogues! With all the original members! Yay for me! Damn those are expensive tickets. Those are opera prices. Oh well, gotta pay to play.

Hallelujah!

2006-05-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sweet merciful Jesus, I'm bleeding. Praise the lord and pass the potato salad. Stupid uterus, don't ever do that again!

Good, Bad, Ugly

2006-05-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

The Good:
My school is awarding me Honors Extraordinary in my division. I think this certificate is given to one person per division chosen by the dean and faculty of that division. So that's cool.

The Bad:
I haven't bled yet. 28 days would've been Friday. Over the last seven months (yes I keep track) I've averaged 25 days. Which would've been last Tuesday. Today is day 31. This is not good.

The Ugly:
The sewer backed up into our tub last night. Yeah, nice. So we stayed in a hotel nearby. Plumber's coming today. Hopefully it'll be habitable tonight.

This is what makes life so difficult for me, being pulled in all these different directions. It's hard for me to be happy, proud, terrified, dejected and disgusted all at the same time. Added to which, it's a Monday, it's raining, and I didn't sleep well.

Hola

2006-05-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

I've been busy. So anyway, we took a vacation April 19-21.

On the 19th we went to the Ashes and Snow exhibit at the Santa Monica Pier. It was beautiful, though not as much as I expected. I thought it was heavy-handed with the theme of the sacred in nature. This whole concept of man's disconnect from nature, and therefore spirituality, I believe is incorrect. Man is not separate from nature; man is part of nature. Man is not separate from animals; man is an animal. You don't need to languidly float on a river in a dugout canoe with an orangutan to experience spirituality. I also don't believe nature is sacred, or that anything material ever could be sacred. The divine and the material are necessarily separate. And why is it that when white folk want to experience a spiritual moment they go to a non-white country? It's always India or Africa or Bali. Don't you see the racism inherent in setting those places, and their people, apart as some last enclave of true connection with the sacred? Stop fetishizing the religions of other cultures.

Afterwards we went to Father's Office for dinner. They have the most amazing selection of beer on tap and a small menu of excellent tapas and entrees. They're particularly known for their burger. In the past they've always cooked the burger as the chef sees fit. This time they asked how we wanted it cooked. As any foodie knows, there are only two acceptable answers to this question: rare or medium-rare. Now most of the people in there know this. But just as we're finishing up, these two young guys come up to the bar and one orders the burger. And he wants it cooked well. Hmmph. And the other one asks for a beer that's "like Budweiser". Oh no. Look. If you're drinking Bud, you don't really like beer. And if you're ordering a burger well, you don't really like beef. So what you should do is take your pansy ass down the street and order sparkling water and a chicken sandwich.

Thursdays are free at the Hammer, so we went there on the 20th. Actually we went there and then I remembered that Thursdays are free. I really liked the films by Jesper Just. And John Swope's photos and accompanying text were really compelling. We went across the street to have dinner at The Gardens before going to the Wadsworth Theatre to see Salome. It. Was. Amazing. The performance was really stripped down, almost like a reading. Without the distractions of elaborate set design and lush costumes, the acting could really shine. I enjoyed it so much. If I could afford it I would've seen it again and again.

On the 21st we went (finally!) to the Getty. The gardens are beautiful. It was a bit hazy out, but still the view was gorgeous. I don't think we even saw half of everything there, though we stayed most of the day. When we first got there, we made reservations for that evening at the fancy restaurant. I had a beet salad and liked it. The rich food actually upset our stomachs later, but it sure was tasty.

All in all, a very nice vacation.

Phew

2006-04-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week. I went for a follow-up with my doctor last Tuesday. I decided to go with 300 mils of the wellbutrin. At my next follow-up I need to mention this other thing. I've got these blood spots (petechiae) all over both of my arms. I've had them for quite a while - at least months, if not years - but lately they seem to have gotten a bit worse. Also, I researched them on a few medical sites. They're common and inconsequential most of the time - after heavy coughing or vomiting, after birth, after trauma, or because of certain medications. But those are short term and quickly resolved. Mine are constant and not related to any of those circumstances. The other possibilities are pretty serious - lupus, leukemia, syphilis. So, uh, that makes me worry. It's probably nothing, but just in case.

We took a vacation last Wed-Fri to the lovely city of Los Angeles. Yes, we already live here. See, on travel shows, people go to big cities and have a wonderful time. It got me to thinking about the people who live there; they're not having a wonderful time. I could go to another city and have a great time, but that's only because I don't have to live and work there. So I thought, other people come to L.A. for vacations and have fun. Why don't we just pretend we're tourists and have fun right here? We'll save money on airfare or gas and hotel, which we can spend instead on fancy restaurants and shows. Plus we'll get to sleep in our own bed. I mean, it's crazy that other people spend a bunch of money to get here and I live here and have access to this stuff all the time and I don't even bother with it. Tsk, tsk.

Anyway, it turned out really well. We did a bunch of cultural stuff and had a great time. I'll detail in another post later when I have more time.

untitled

2006-04-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been too busy (and depressed) to write lately. The Wellbutrin seems to be working somewhat, but I probably need to increase the dose. I'm only taking 150 units now to check for side effects and efficacy. The standard dose is 300. I like to take the least amount possible, so I'm giving the 150 a chance. I'm not sure if my continued, though lessened, crying and insomnia are "normal" or still signs of depression. I'm tired of taking pills and tired of being depressed. Which leaves me in something of a pickle.

Sunday I woke up with a kinked neck and it's been sore all week. Maybe I sprained it. I've never had a sore neck last a whole week. Course I haven't rested it at all; that might have something to do with it. A co-worker recommended a good massage therapist, so I'm going to contact her and see if I can get an appointment this weekend.

My husband is playing at Mr. T's on the 24th. It's not with his band; he's sitting in on drums for a singer-songwriter friend of ours. So he'll be rehearsing over the next few weeks.

We're going to see The Black Rider at the Ahmanson, Grendel at the Dorothy Chandler, and Salome at the Wadsworth. It's going to be a busy spring.

I'm doing really well in my Statistics class. I got perfect scores on all the tests so far. I'm waiting to find out if I've been accepted at CSUN. Everyone else is confident I'll get in, but I still worry.

At my doctor's office last week (a follow-up on my meds) they weighed me. 123 lbs. I'm back to my 30-yr-old, pre-Paxil weight. I have another appointment in a couple weeks. Maybe I'll have lost even more by then. I'd like to get to 120. Funny, when I was this weight the first time around I thought I was too heavy. Now that I've worked back to it I like it. I've read that it's pretty typical for women to not realize how beautiful they are in their 20s until they're in their 30s. Guess I'm pretty typical. Fortunately, I've also read that women are at their most beautiful in their mid-30s. Apparently 36 is the magic number. Something to look forward to.

Good News

2006-03-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

I've been taking Wellbutrin for two weeks. Very mild side effects, nothing like Paxil, and my doctor says it isn't correlated with weight gain. It seems to be coming on rather subtly, but I am feeling better.

I stepped up my diet and exercise program. Now that I have class on Friday night and Saturday morning, I can't exercise on Fridays. So instead of 30 minutes five times a week, I'm doing 40 minutes four times a week. Also I've been eating less for lunch and having healthier snacks. Last week I was actually a little too strict and didn't get enough protein. Oops. This morning I tried on a size 6 skirt that I bought two summers ago and haven't been able to wear in over a year. Though I was hoping, I didn't quite expect it to fit, but it did. That makes for one happy Monday.

Reacquaint

2006-03-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, what a long hiatus. I've been through another depression. At first I didn't notice it, because it comes on slow and steady, but my husband made it pretty clear to me the other day that it kills him to see me like this. It's like watching someone you love drowning and knowing you can't do anything to help. He's pretty reticent, so for him to let loose like that means it must be really, really bad. The very next day I made an appointment to see my doctor. I'm going in on Monday to get back on antidepressants. I guess I went off them too soon. Depression is kinda like high blood pressure in that it will get progressively worse if not treated, and it requires both medication and lifestyle changes. Though I have made some life changes and done a round of talk therapy, it just isn't enough. I still need the medication. My main concern, which caused me to avoid going back on the meds even when it was pretty clear I needed them, was the concomitant weight gain. I put on ten pounds last time. I've finally realized that my weight is not the issue here. It is better to be round and healthy, than thin and suicidal. My husband loves me either way, and he would rather I wasn't in so much pain. I'm beginning to think of it as an allergy to life. I take Zyrtec for my nasal allergies, and now I'll take Paxil (or the like) for my life allergies.

Now, to more rote business. We went to ArthurBall the other week. What a scene. I'm surprised they let us in without a Hipster Cred membership card. First we had an early dinner at Taix (mmm, french onion soup). We saw Tarantula A.D. and Morris Tepper (with PJ Harvey sitting in on bass), both of which I enjoyed. Afrobeat Down was pretty cool. I was nonplussed by Town & Country. The 5:15ers were kinda pointless and average. We left after a few seconds of Indian Jewelry, which was absurdly loud (like Waco loud). All in all it was an okay time. Everything was just so ... typical. Very tragically hip.

Thursday we went to the Hammer Museum to see a program in association with the Masters of American Comics exhibition - the Kramer's Ergot Night. Oddly, we haven't actually seen the exhibition itself yet. Anyway, there was an interview of Sammy Harkham, a presentation by Souther Salazar, a reading by Jordan Crane, and an incredible performance by Shary Boyle. I went for Jordan, but most enjoyed Shary and Souther. Shary just blew me away. If you haven't seen her, you must.

Navel Gazers Monthly

2006-02-24T15:44:00.000-08:00

Periodicals residing on my coffee table.

Allure
Art Prostitute
Atlantic
Bitch
Esquire
Focus
Juxtapoz
Mome
Mother Jones
New Yorker
Psychology Today
Utne
Vanity Fair
Vogue

That isn't even all I read, just what's currently there.

Media Matters

2006-02-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

A study from Media Matters counters the liberal bias rant. Check it out here.

34.5 / 28 / 37.5

2006-02-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

My weight loss continues at a steady clip. I'm not looking for anything fast and drastic. So far it's going great and I'm really pleased with it. I feel healthier and more energetic. It's helped my self esteem a bit, but not my mood. I'm as cranky as ever. We went to Vegas for the Superbowl. Really the Bowl was just the catalyst. I'd been wanting a vacation for a while. We haven't really had one in a couple years. We stayed at the Aladdin, which is apparently not going to be the Aladdin much longer. They're converting it into the Planet Hollywood casino and hotel. Blech. Last time I stay there. It's a shame really because that was my favorite place to stay; reasonable prices, excellent buffet, nice restaurants, good shopping, cozy gambling atmosphere, central location on the strip. Oh well. Now we'll have to find a new favorite place.

I accidentally won a Superbowl bet. When we got into town, we went straight to the Bellago - my favorite sports book - to place a bet on the game. I bet on the Seahawks to win. I figured it would be a close game and the Steelers either wouldn't cover the spread or would lose out right. But as you know the Steelers won handily. So the next day my husband places a parlay bet on three basketball games. He lost all three. The next day we were checking out and I handed him his parlay ticket and told him to check the games again just to be sure. But he was sure. I took out the other papers in my purse - receipts and stuff - and came across my ticket. I looked at it to see what it was, and noticed that it didn't say Seahawks at all. It said I bet on the Steelers. Apparently the lady at the counter had misheard me. So I won. What makes it even funnier is that when my husband had placed his bet I had nagged him to check his ticket to make sure they printed it right. And here I hadn't done that and it ended up in my favor. Hee.

We saw Penn & Teller at the Rio. One word - awesome. I totally recommend it. And the bartender gives a stiff pour of whiskey. Yummy.

Well, I just took a pause here and submitted my application to Cal State Northridge. Moving right along.

My company is "restructuring", a euphemism meaning to close its doors forever. Our International will close all similar locals across the state and create new ones divided by geography. They say it's good for us in the long run. Yeah, sure. What it means is we're all out of work. It isn't certain how long this will take, e.g. how long we still have our jobs, but I'm betting the fat lady sings sometime next year. So, now is the time to take all sick leave, cash out all vacation, and generally use up any benefit we possibly can. Management has even gone so far as to offer to set up as many training classes as possible and to encourage the use of our tuition reimbursement program. After all, they're going to be out of work, too. So, for once, we're truly all in this together.

We're going to see Kathy Griffin tonight at the Orpheum downtown. Before that, we're going to dinner. Speaking of which, I gotta go get ready.

Ta.

Bella

2006-01-31T15:09:00.000-08:00

Definitely
Must
See

*****

Not for the Squeamish

2006-01-26T17:15:00.000-08:00

Isn't it annoying when people tell you their dreams? They're only interesting to the person who dreamt them. And, perhaps, to Freudian psychoanalysts. Well, analyze away.

I had a dream last night that I accidentally cut myself on the back of my left leg. I didn't pay it much mind, figuring it wasn't that bad and would heal on its own, so I just wrapped a bandage around it. A couple days later I was visiting a friend. We went out to a club and while there I realized that my wound was quite a bit worse than I thought. It was a deep gash running the length of my calf. It wasn't bleeding, but the edges hadn't knit together, so that they flopped open. Inside my flesh was decaying and maggots were crawling around. I could see clumps of dead flesh in the wound. I became alarmed and wasn't sure what to do. I knew it needed to be flushed out and stitched up. My friend said she would drive me to the hospital. I wasn't sure which hospital to go to, or if I should actually be going to urgent care instead. I was worried about my insurance coverage and wanted to do it right so I wouldn't be stuck with a huge bill. I found my insurance info and got in the car to go. My friend was taking too long so I left her and drove myself. I got to the hospital and showed the front desk nurse my wound. Then I woke up.

The oddest part is that this wasn't a nightmare.

Really?

2006-01-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): You are a giver, Libra, but this is a day to receive from someone concerned with your happiness. An important part of building good relationships now is letting others feel good about giving you pleasure. This could wind up being a special gift for both of you. tarot.com

I hope that's true.

Blatant Schadenfreude

2006-01-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

I have to admit I did jump out of bed this morning and turned on the Rose Parade. Any other year I would not do that. But this year, it's raining. A lot. And windy. Sorry. Really, I'm more curious than gleeful. I want to know what happens to the floats and how the people deal with the weather. It's sociological interest, honest. Okay, I did laugh. Just a little! Hrm. My husband was much more amused, because he's mean. And a guy at work was practically giddy, but he's anti-everything, so.

It was really coming down. There's was a flash flood warning for this morning. Houses will be flooded, hills will slide, some into bedrooms. Just now the sun peeped through the clouds, even though it is still raining and very windy.

Did I spell schadenfreude right? So many letters.

Auld Lang Syne

2005-12-31T15:13:00.000-08:00

I feel sorry for these tourists from Michigan and Germany and wherever else, coming to LA for New Years, probably to see the Rose Parade. Expecting the preternatural sun they always see on the TV broadcasts of the Parade. Then they get here, after saving up and getting the time off from work, and instead of blue skies, they get rain. It's supposed to rain all weekend, right through to the Parade on Monday.

As we were going to breakfast this morning (more like lunch by that time, we left about half past 11) it occurred to me how strange it was that we were going to eat at an outdoor restaurant (Marcel at Farmers Market) in the rain. So LA. I had french onion soup and a glass of Prosecco. The rain actually made it feel more french. Sitting under an awning at an outdoor cafe eating french onion soup and crusty bread, sipping Prosecco in the rain.

We got a couple donuts on our way home and some groceries for the weekend from Trader Joe's. I made some Peets Holiday Blend coffee in our french press. Now we're watching football in our pajamas, nibbling donuts and sipping coffee. Very cozy.

Later we'll have salmon and green beans for dinner, watch Coldplay on Austin City Limits on PBS, and sip pink champagne. A fine way to see out the old year. So long 05.

It's A Process

2005-12-26T13:21:00.000-08:00

That, my friends, is the perfect phrase. "It's a process." I started using it earlier this year, and I love it.

How's school going?
It's a process.
How's work?
It's a process.
How's married life treating you?
It's a process.
How's that project coming along?
It's a process.
How do you like being a mom?
It's a process.
How's your rehab going?
It's a process.

Never fear small talk again with this answer to any open-ended question.

Now with optional "irony". Yay!

Merry Solstice

2005-12-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you... while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
--John Muir

I got this quote from The Wilderness Society newsletter.

The first day of winter and it's 80 degrees in Los Angeles. Did someone switch hemispheres on me?

Untitled

2005-12-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm really without direction at this point. Things have not gone the way I planned them. Course, that means, at least in this case, that my plans were unrealistic. I'm including expectations under the heading of plans. To wit:

Didn't apply to UCLA - result of unrealistic plan
Haven't bought a house - unrealistic plan
No kids - unrealistic plan
Parents haven't stopped hounding me about religion - unrealistic expectation

To be fair, regarding the house, it isn't a major priority for me. I know everyone is supposed to want a house, but mostly when I think about buying a house I think about all the work to keep it up - all the lawn care and roofing and plumbing - and I just don't care that much for it. Pretty much the same as my feelings about kids.

Also my standards are very high, you might say unrealistic. For example, I don't want to have kids until I can put them through private school. Okay, if I'm being honest, that's pretty unrealistic. For housing, I'd rather live in an apartment as far west in L.A. as I can afford (the Angelenos know what I mean) than buy a house in the Inland Empire or Antelope Valley, which is where people with less money (like myself) buy houses.

Basically, I can't stand the idea of my kids being raised in the same environment I was - public school in the Inland Empire. I want them to have all the opportunities I didn't have. Which, really, is the wish of every good parent. My parents started out with the same wish, I think, but money is the great leveller and it laid them out flat. If they'd kept to two or even three kids, it probably would've been okay. But their religion, like many, forbids birth control, so they had six. After which they finally went against their religion on this issue and my dad got fixed. It took six before sense overcame religion. That's my view; I'm sure they'd see it differently.

I really thought that by now - I'm in my early 30s - my parents would've come to accept that I'm not part of their religion and never will be again. Guess not. For Christmas, my mom says all she wants is for her kids to come to church with her. Sounds innocuous right? Wrong. There's a subtext of guilt and manipulation. My family is evangelical. She's not looking for us to simply go to church as a family. She's looking to bring us all back into the religion. She thinks that with time, prayer, and a little nudge we'll all come back. Not gonna happen. Giving in to these "little" requests will only encourage that erroneous belief. It just makes me so tired and beat down to know that I'll have to fight this battle throughout my entire relationship with them. I'm loath to see or even speak to them, knowing all the effort it will take just to stand my ground.

My brother's in AA. This is a good thing and I hope it's the last stop. Lots of people relapse repeatedly before finally coming to rest. I hope he's an exception to this. I also hope that his AA attendance will sway the judge into giving him a sentence that doesn't include prison. Maybe community service and probation. He has proof of trying to clean up his life this time, but he also has a criminal record. His girlfriend hasn't been by to see him since his arrest, though she has talked to him on the phone. I don't blame her. She's a sweet girl and she really deserves better than this.

Librarian seems to me a more reliable profession than counselor. I think I'll go to CSUN for my bachelor, still in psychology though, and then get my master in library science. I can always go back to school later to be a counselor. Maybe after I'm old and my kids are grown. I should have more patience by then and less need for money.

I thought 30 would be a year of big change. Instead it was a year when my efforts at change were thwarted, because I was trying to change the wrong things. I was trying to change the outside. So 31 is the year I change the inside. 30 broke the old foundation; 31 lays the new foundation. Rocky seas now, hopefully smooth(er) sailing ahead.

Censored

2005-12-02T15:25:00.000-08:00

White House event staffers unlawfully removed two Denver residents from a town hall discussion with President Bush because of an anti-war bumper sticker on their car, the ACLU charged in a federal lawsuit filed recently.

"The government should not be in the business of silencing Americans who are perceived to be critical of certain policy decisions," said ACLU Senior Staff Attorney Chris Hansen, the lead counsel in this case. "The President should be willing to be in the same room with people who might disagree with him, especially at a public, taxpayer-funded town hall."

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Leslie Weise and Alex Young, who gained national attention after being removed from a March 21 event with President Bush. The presidential visit was open to the public and advertised as a town hall "conversation" on Social Security reform. Weise and Young, who had obtained tickets for the event from the office of Representative Bob Beauprez and had caused no disruption at the town hall, were removed from the event solely because of their perceived political views.

At the event, Weise and Young approached the security metal detectors. Weise was asked to show her identification, while Young was allowed in. The staff at the event then told her that she had to wait for the Secret Service to arrive. Eventually, Michael Casper, who wore a dark suit, earpiece and lapel pin arrived. He told Weise that if she had any ill intentions she would be arrested. Weise assured him that she did not and was allowed to proceed to her seat, where Young was waiting.

Casper consulted with other White House event staffers who advised him of a White House policy prohibiting people from attending this public event if they held a viewpoint other than that of the President. Casper then ran back to Weise and Young and forced them to leave.

After the incident, Secret Service confirmed to Weise and Young that they were removed because a White House event staffer noticed that Weise had a "No More Blood for Oil" bumper sticker on her car. Eight of the nine members of the Colorado congressional delegation, including Democrats and Republicans, have since publicly condemned what happened to Weise and Young, and have called for answers from the White House.

Similar incidents have occurred at presidential visits across the country. According to news reports, individuals considered to have critical viewpoints were removed or excluded from Social Security town hall meetings in Arizona, North Dakota and New Hampshire.

See the lawsuit here.

(from ACLU newsletter)

You Take the Good with the Bad

2005-11-29T15:50:00.000-08:00

We didn't go to my brother's graduation. Neither did he. He went out drinking with a friend-of-a-friend, got hammered, crashed his car, and spent the night in jail. He wasn't released until that afternoon, by which time my parents had already filed a missing persons report. He's a bit scratched up, but all right besides. I think he's an alcoholic.

So instead we went to see my husband's niece play soccer. She's a good defensive player.

I won the football pool last week. Finally. Now I feel validated, like I'm not just "the girl", not just making wild guesses. Which I'm not, I put a lot of thought into it.

On Saturday we saw Capote. Philip Seymour Hoffman is the best actor since I don't know what. He amazes me anew each time. I am completely in thrall to him. He rivals the mighty Malkovich.

Pop Quiz

2005-11-29T15:37:00.000-08:00

76 - 100
You have a strong sense of responsibility toward others and a deep respect for other people, even strangers, though you are not always sure what the best course of action is. You are Lucy, the brave child who who is wise beyond her years and kind to all she meets.

Which Narnia character are you?

Um,

2005-11-28T09:36:00.000-08:00

This is gonna sound weird, but I'm not applying to UCLA after all. I'm embarrassed to say so because it sounds like I'm quitting. I've been mulling this over all month, trying to figure if I'm just rationalizing cold feet or if I'm truly coming to an honest change of heart. Here's the thing. I haven't been excited about it. Something I've been looking forward to for some time now, and it gets here and I'm not excited. Why? And I realize I don't want to do it. Then I start worrying. Am I just scared? Am I running away from something difficult?

If I wasn't accepted, I'd be disappointed. But most of the disappointment would be because UCLA was the only option I allowed. I was so insistent on there being only one way. It all came down to elitism. I think I was more interested in getting the UCLA Alumni license plate holder than the actual degree. It was all about that name brand. Tsk, tsk. I finally became aware of it when I took a hard look at my "plan". I was going to ask for a leave of absence from work to finish school full time. Well, to finish would be at least a year. So, that's a whole year without pay. And, if my employer didn't grant the leave of absence I'd have to either quit the job or quit school. That would put me in the position of quitting a job that pays well to get a degree that doesn't qualify me for any job. That's not integrity, that's insanity.

There are paths specifically for people like me - working adults - and here I am instead stubbornly trudging along a much more difficult "traditional" path. That's plain stupid. The nerve of me, thinking those paths aren't good enough for me. I fell into a trap that grabs a lot of people - trying to fix the past via the present. I can't change the fact that I messed up in high school and didn't go straight to a university by doing it now. The past can't be changed, only accepted.

Friday, at my parents' house, my brothers were talking about school (two of them are in college) and, like most young kids, it was a chore for them. They were actually bragging about not paying attention in class. I commented to my mom that I'm glad I did school the way I did, slower and later in life, because I appreciate it more. I go to school because I like it. I love learning new things, both in and out of school. For them it's just a means to an end. I get to enjoy the journey more this way.

Also, I mentioned earlier that I was considering being a librarian. I'm really leaning towards that. I don't know that I really want to counsel people. I'd have to do an internship as part of my Masters. The pay is usually not that great, either. My husband agrees that being a librarian would really suit my temperament. I could always go back to school for counseling later if I wanted.

So, new plan. Find a different school to transfer to, like a Cal State or private university, something with evening and/or weekend classes. Wrap up general ed classes at PCC. Finish my bachelors. Perhaps get a masters in library science, maybe even at UCLA.

And, somewhere in there, start a family.

Furthermore

2005-11-16T15:09:00.000-08:00

THE WOOD TIGER 1914 AND 1974

The Wood Tiger is more adaptable to working with others and therefore does not demonstrate the typical "take charge" attitude of other Tigers. The Wood element adds stability, giving him warmth of character that draws people in and makes the Tiger a popular person. They are not selfish creatures and will give their time, attention or possessions to anyone in need. These Tigers bring a solid practicality to any problem. They can control their urges to completely take over, letting others do the work. They must be aware of their slightly volatile tempers and short attention spans, and not let those characteristics get the best of them or cause them or their loved ones undue pain.

source

So Anyway

2005-11-14T16:28:00.000-08:00

Thank god that election nonsense is finally over with. Ugh! I enjoy politics, but not in excess.

We had the first party at our place last weekend, for my husband's birthday. I got five more art prints framed and hung. We spent most of that week after work tidying up and all day Saturday cleaning and setting up. I got all the food and wine at Trader Joe's. We made a party mix on four CDs; over four hours of eclectic music. My husband still listens to one of the CDs in his car. It turned out to be a pretty good party, if I do say so myself. Except we drank too much and got sick. I was worse off than my husband. We didn't drink a drop for a week after that. And probably won't be tasting any hard liquor for some time. Bleh! The best part of having the party is that we get to enjoy our newly clean and decorated place long after the guests have left. Notes for next time: two cases of beer are not enough; two bottles of wine are not enough; nobody drinks white wine. To sum up - three bottles red, three cases beer.

Our 5th wedding anniversary was Friday. Here's how we spent the day. My husband went to work in the morning and came home a little after 10. We took my car to the dealership (couple broken sensors $250). We went to Jerry's Deli in Westwood for a late breakfast. We tried to go to LACMA, but the parking was a mess. We decided it was too crowded to bother and went to the Grove instead. Did a little shopping (Anthropologie - nothing fit right; Barnes & Noble - two books, one magazine; Lucky Jeans - tee for hubby, tee for father-in-law). Saw Wallace & Grommit - excellent. Came home.

Saturday we went to a beginning archery class in Pasadena. It's free and they provide all the materials. Two hours later I had a gnarly bruise on my elbow from the string hitting it. As I got tired my form got sloppy and I wasn't rotating my elbow out of the way. I was so sore the next day. My poor little upper body muscles didn't know what hit them. We had a great time, it was really fun. They have a class almost every Saturday. I would go this weekend, but we're going to my brother's graduation ceremony instead. He's going to be a pastry chef.

Sundays we don't go out. That's Football Day. Ditto Monday night. I loves the football.

I bought these earrings from Deen Miele. They came in the mail today and they're just gorgeous. I love things made out of wood, so these are right up my alley. In Chinese astrology, I'm a Wood Tiger. So, y'know, there ya go.

35 - 29 - 38

2005-11-02T11:29:00.000-08:00

I've lost a bit more weight. I was sick last week and didn't eat for a day. That seemed to give my venture a nudge. I'll probably be sick to some extent for most of this month. November is the worst month for me - dry, windy, sunny. Blech. It really does a number on my allergies. Not to mention my skin; my lips are already chapped.

Since I didn't attend college this semester, I had to re-apply to attend next semester. I'm going to try taking Statistics (the last class I need before transfer) in the Winter session. That class meets M-F (yup, 5 days) for 6 weeks. I just want to pound it out and be done with it. I'm also considering taking Art History in the Spring, just for fun. Seriously, how nerdy is that? I can't help it, I'm really a huge dork at heart. Always have been.

November is Apply to UCLA Month. It's the only time they allow applications for the next Fall. I made the mistake of reading the acceptance statistics. Hoo boy. I dunno. Now I'm really stressed. I'm trying to steel myself for possible rejection so that, in the event, it won't send me off the deep end.

Fingers crossed. XX

No on 73

2005-10-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

San Francisco Chronicle
Friday, 7 October 2005

DEAR ABBY: From time to time, you tell young women who think they might be pregnant and are afraid to tell their parents, to do so. I usually do not write letters like this, but I need to express my personal experience. I am a minister. Several years ago, I worked for Planned Parenthood and we had a young girl -- around 13 years of age -- test positive for pregnancy. We urged her to tell her parents, but she kept refusing, insisting, "Dad will kill me!"

Of course, we knew better, and finally convinced her that the best thing was to tell her parents, have the baby, and get on with her life.

Her father beat her so badly that she was in the hospital for more than a month. She lost the baby because of the beating and ended up in foster care.

I will never again tell a young person that her parents will not go crazy, and I don't think you should do that either. Thanks, Abby. I enjoy your column. -- REGRETFUL IN FLORIDA

DEAR REGRETFUL: Thank you for the warning. Even though we wish all teenagers could disclose to their parents, as your letter illustrates, it is a sad reality that some of them cannot. And we, who care about young people, have to first be concerned with their safety. Although most young girls do involve their families, there will always be some who are unable to do so.

For that reason, I do not believe that parental notification should be mandated by law. And because sex education is no longer taught in as many states as it had been before, I strongly urge parents to begin talking to their children early about the facts of life and their personal value systems, in order to create a safe and comfortable environment should a crisis occur.

(all emphases mine)

Red Herring

2005-10-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

Lewis Uhler, Yes on 75: "The result of this is to level the playing field in Sacramento that has been badly tilted for years."

But under Prop. 75, the playing field may actually tilt more.

The non-profit Institute on Money in State Politics says that last year, California unions accounted for only 5.7 percent of all political contributions in the state. That's less than half the amount given by business interests.

Ken Jacobs, Center for Labor Research and Education at UC Berkeley: "There does not seem to be a major outpouring of workers saying we don't want our dues used. The numbers have always been quite small."

Ken Jacobs heads up the Center for Labor Research and Education at UC Berkeley. He says most union members don't object to political contributions, and those that do, don't have to contribute. ABC7/KGO-TV/DT

All emphases mine.

Ribbit

2005-10-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's so dark outside the streetlights came on. I'm expecting to see frogs fall from the sky any minute. It's been pouring rain like it's the next flood coming. And thunder and lightning to boot.

It just brightened a bit, so the streetlights went back off. But it's raining harder now than when it was so dark. There's not a lot of wind, so the rain is just coming straight down in sheets. The street outside my apartment will be flooded something awful. Los Angeles has very poor drainage. The system can't handle all the water so it backs up into the streets. And what green space there is can't absorb it all fast enough so it pools up.

It was just hailing!

Now it's calmed down to just a light drizzle. There's even some blue sky peeking through the clouds.

L.A. weather.

California Voters

2005-10-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Take a journey with Jane - a scared and pregnant 17-year old from an abusive family - through the judicial maze Prop 73 creates.

* Jane has a positive pregnancy test at the doctor's office and after counseling decides to end the pregnancy. Jane tells the doctor she can't notify her parents because she fears their abuse. The doctor tells Jane she has to obtain a court order waiving "notice" before she may provide medical services.
* Jane then has to figure out where the juvenile court is and how she's going to get there, because she doesn't have a car. Once she gets there she has to tell the court clerk that she is pregnant and needs a waiver to have an abortion. (Hopefully Jane doesn't live in a small town, where the court clerk happens to be her neighbor.)
* At some point Jane has to fill out forms that require her to give detailed facts about her pregnancy, her reasons for wanting to end her pregnancy and why she cannot notify her parents.
* After meeting and explaining her situation again to her court-appointed guardian and lawyer, a hearing is set. In practice, this may occur 4-5 days later. (As a reminder, Jane is probably missing school while she's going to court and meeting with her lawyer and guardian.)
* At the hearing, Jane must appear personally in front of a judge. She bears the burden of persuading the judge by "clear and convincing evidence" that she is mature enough to make the decision or that an abortion without parental notification is in her best interest. There is no definition of maturity or best interest in the initiative, leaving the decision entirely to the subjectivity of judges - some of whom may have personal beliefs against choice.
* After the hearing, the judge then has a day to decide. If the judge grants the petition, Jane can finally make an appointment to end her pregnancy. If the judge does not, Jane can appeal her case to the three-judge Court of Appeal, and the process begins again.

Imagine yourself in Jane's shoes. Would you be able to navigate this confusing judicial process? Can you imagine having to go to court as a teenager, explaining to a judge you have never met before (and the clerk, court reporter, guardian, lawyer and possibly translator also present in the room) the intimate details of your life and why you need to end your pregnancy?

Jane doesn't need a judge, she needs a counselor and quality medical care from caring doctors and nurses. And what about those teens, like Jane, who can't wind their way through this judicial maze? Some may resort to illegal or self-induced abortions, resulting in serious injury or even death.

That's why the California Nurses Association, California Medical Association and American Academy of Pediatrics, California all OPPOSE Prop 73.
From Campaign for Teen Safety

This proposition has nothing to do with protecting teens and everything to do with outlawing abortion. The fact is, most teens who are pregnant and seeking an abortion DO tell their parents about it. I told my parents, even though they are very religious and it was difficult to do so. I didn't need a law to make me.

"This is our first opportunity since Roe v. Wade to pass a baby-saving law in California," stated one ad in San Francisco Faith, a magazine for San Francisco Bay Area Catholics owned by James Holman, publisher of the San Diego Reader and chief financial backer of Proposition 73. Sacramento Bee - October 10, 2005

Baby-saving, not teen-saving. There you have it. The real target is choice, plain and simple. This proposition is the first salvo against Roe v. Wade itself.

Carousel

2005-10-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

"If we don't vote for Proposition 76, we will go backward," the governor said at a campaign appearance in Sherman Oaks on Monday. Los Angeles Times - October 7, 2005

First of all, there is really no backward or forward; there are only circles.

Second, if you go backward in California's history, you'll come upon a time when the state's community college system was open to anyone, for free (fees were instituted in the 80s). Free higher education for all. Yes, we wouldn't want to go back to that. Oh, the horror.

About Face

2005-10-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Even if things at home seem organized, you might feel like moving furniture, rearranging pictures, or painting a room. Altering your living space isn't to be taken lightly; in some ways it can help change your life. This is more about adding movement than creating something that will last. The vision that you express here can bring new energy to other areas of your life as well.
beliefnet.com

Capital idea! This weekend I started into a frenzy of cleaning. My spring cleaning is very unpredictable, not relegated to spring at all. I have found that harping on my husband to clean does no good. Turns out all I have to do is start cleaning myself, and then he joins in on his own. I know I always feel kinda guilty if someone else is cleaning and I'm not. Perhaps he feels the same. I just wordlessly got a bunch of cleaning accoutrements out of the cupboard and started cleaning; he jumped right in with his part. Same is true of his music; he doesn't write songs, he accompanies them.

He just finished laying down the drum tracks for their next album. Now the other guys will do the guitars and vocals. They should have it done in a couple or few weeks. Then it's on to mixing and packaging, blah, blah, blah. So, probably printed by year-end and touring early next year. He asked if I was going to play flute on the album. I'm not sure if he was joking or not. I said if they wrote up some sheet music I could play it, but I'm not good enough (or confident enough) to play something hummed or, for that matter, to come up with something on my own. It scares me but I'm willing to try it. I like to make a point of doing scary things; it causes growth.

I want a big change. To explain, my life feels stagnant. I'm stuck and I don't like it. I don't like where I am. No Bachelor's, no house, no kids. I don't want to be a secretary anymore; I'm too old to be "just a secretary". I only ever planned on doing this until my late twenties. Of course, "planned" is meant in the loosest fashion. "Imagined" might be more apropos. And that, of course, is the problem, if I want to call it that. It isn't a problem if I like it, but I don't anymore. Perhaps I'll be a marriage counselor, perhaps a librarian, but I definitely don't want to be a secretary forever, and I certainly do want to be a college graduate.

Also, I've got to get back into art. I can't stand how empty life is without creation. How can people live as spectators? Collecting art is satisfying, but I really do need to create my own as well. I often have ideas for a project, and then I do nothing with it. I let all my creative thoughts starve and rot. These old bones rattling in my head are like a cacophony of rebuke. Sometimes, I'm all thought and no action.

This is not how it will be.

... My Old Friend

2005-10-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry no updates lately. I've been hibernating. I had lots to talk about but couldn't make the words come out. I just didn't have the energy. My husband has been urging me to consider going back on medication. I'll probably have to eventually if I'm to stay in this world. Sorry, I don't mean to sound so melodramatic. Let's talk about something nicer.

I won tickets to see Terry Riley at UCLA. I'd never heard of him and wasn't quite sure what to expect. It turned out to be quite nice. I had the impression of seeing an alternate reality for my father-in-law. What I mean by that is, had my father-in-law taken a slightly different path in life, he would have been very like Mr. Riley. It was like peeking into a parallel universe. My husband really liked Matmos. My favorite part was a hindustani piece that Riley did with his son. A bunch of the audience fleed the premises when Acid Mothers Temple played. It wasn't as loud as the emcee warned, although my ears were ringing a bit afterwards. All in all, a very fine time indeed. It was nice having to use my brain in that good, mind-expanding way.

I'm on a diet, which I think makes me crankier than usual. Also I'm exercising a lot more. Those who know recommend getting sweaty for 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. So I'm on that exercise bike sweating for a half hour every day after work. Even during the fires when the air was all smoky, which may not have been a good idea, but I didn't want to miss a day. I was weighed at the doctor's office a couple weeks ago, and I'd lost two pounds since my last visit. So far, so good.

Hmm

2005-10-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

"The most highly developed part of the human frontal cortex that deal with decisions and social interactions are right next to the parts that control taste and smell and movements of the mouth, tongue, and gut. There is a reason we kiss potential mates -- it's the most primitive way we know to check something out."
Helen Phillips, science writer, New Scientist (April 9, 2005)

(from Utne magazine)

sigh

2005-09-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Reasons I Am Depressed

I'm not going to school this semester. Dropping the classes was very, very hard. Even submitting the refund form at the college was pretty tough. I was choking back tears the whole way.

I was semi-transferred to another department at work. I'm supposed to continue to perform my old duties while adding on more. This is temporary for about three months, after which it will be re-evaluated. Translation: it's permanent, but we don't want you to be too pissed off and fight it, so we'll say temporary indefinitely. End result: I am very busy and stressed out.

An elder family member is on his deathbed. I'm not that close to him but it's sad to read the e-mail updates. And I feel sad for his daughters who are caring for him at home (with nursing help).

My husband is recording an album. On its own, this would not upset me. Quite the opposite. But, in context, it's depriving me of the one person who helps me stay sane.

Our friends are all having very busy times as well. Weird how that happens, all in clumps like kitty litter. So that outlet is gone as well. One friend is preparing to move out of state; two others are getting serious about their art; another has been busy with work and fixing up his house. It adds to my feelings of isolation and being trapped.

On a happier note: A company in China is selling condoms with the brand names "Clinton" and "Lewinsky". Read the full story here. I especially like the company representative's explanation for why they chose those names, what the names represent.

Pattern

2005-09-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

From MoveOn.org

It is important that the Bush administration not get away with shifting their responsibility to local officials. Here is what actually happened.

Timeline

Friday, Aug. 26: Gov. Kathleen Blanco declares a state of emergency in Louisiana and requests troop assistance.

Saturday, Aug. 27: Gov. Blanco asks for federal state of emergency. A federal emergency is declared giving federal officials the authority to get involved.

Sunday, Aug. 28: Mayor Ray Nagin orders mandatory evacuation of New Orleans. President Bush warned of Levee failure by National Hurricane Center. National Weather Service predicts area will be "uninhabitable" after Hurricane arrives. First reports of water toppling over the levee appear in local paper.

Monday, Aug. 29: Levee breaches and New Orleans begins to fill with water, Bush travels to Arizona and California to discuss Medicare. FEMA chief finally responds to federal emergency, dispatching employees but giving them two days to arrive on site.

Tuesday, Aug. 30: Mass looting reported, security shortage cited in New Orleans. Pentagon says that local authorities have adequate National Guard units to handle hurricane needs despite governor's earlier request. Bush returns to Crawford for final day of vacation. TV coverage is around-the-clock Hurricane news.

Wednesday, Aug. 31: Tens of thousands trapped in New Orleans including at Convention Center and Superdome in "medieval" conditions. President Bush finally returns to Washington to establish a task force to coordinate federal response. Local authorities run out of food and water supplies.

Thursday, Sept. 1: New Orleans descends into anarchy. New Orleans Mayor issues a "Desperate SOS" to federal government. Bush claims nobody predicted the breach of the levees despite multiple warnings and his earlier briefing.

Friday, Sept. 2: Karl Rove begins Bush administration campaign to blame state and local officials—despite their repeated requests for help. Bush stages a photo-op—diverting Coast Guard helicopters and crew to act as backdrop for cameras. Levee repair work orchestrated for president's visit and White House press corps.

Saturday, Sept. 3: Bush blames state and local officials. Senior administration official (possibly Rove) caught in a lie claiming Gov. Blanco had not declared a state of emergency or asked for help.

Monday, Sept. 5: New Orleans officials begin to collect their dead.

(Adapted from: Katrina Timeline, http://thinkprogress.org/katrina-timeline/ )

Those are the facts. State and local officials BEGGED for help as people in their city suffered. The Bush administration didn't get the job done and when their failure became an embarrassment they attacked those asking for help.

The New York Times reported on Friday that Karl Rove and White House communications director Dan Bartlett "rolled out a plan...to contain the political damage from the administration's response to Hurricane Katrina." The core of the strategy is "to shift the blame away from the White House and toward officials of New Orleans and Louisiana."

This is the same pattern of smearing that the Bush political machine has used for a decade. John McCain and John Kerry had their war records smeared. The CIA cover of Ambassador Joseph Wilson's wife was blown after he criticized the Bush Iraq policy. Now, Hurricane victims are attacked when the Bush administration failed to do their duty to help them.

It isn't just the Bush administration. Republican Senator Rick Santorum blamed victims in a TV interview and House Speaker Dennis Hastert suggested New Orleans should not be rebuilt.

Sign our petition demanding that the Bush administration stop blaming victims, including state and local officials, and focus on helping them.

Shameful

2005-09-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Katrina - Our Experiences

Two days after Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans, the Walgreen's store at the corner of Royal and Iberville streets remained locked. The dairy display case was clearly visible through the widows. It was now 48 hours without electricity, running water, plumbing. The milk, yogurt, and cheeses were beginning to spoil in the 90-degree heat. The owners and managers had locked up the food, water, pampers, and prescriptions and fled the City. Outside Walgreen's windows, residents and tourists grew increasingly thirsty and hungry.

The much-promised federal, state and local aid never materialized and the windows at Walgreen's gave way to the looters. There was an alternative. The cops could have broken one small window and distributed the nuts, fruit juices, and bottle water in an organized and systematic manner. But they did not. Instead they spent hours playing cat and mouse, temporarily chasing away the looters.

We were finally airlifted out of New Orleans two days ago and arrived home yesterday (Saturday). We have yet to see any of the TV coverage or look at a newspaper. We are willing to guess that there were no video images or front-page pictures of European or affluent white tourists looting the Walgreen's in the French Quarter.

We also suspect the media will have been inundated with "hero" images of the National Guard, the troops and the police struggling to help the "victims" of the Hurricane. What you will not see, but what we witnessed,were the real heroes and sheroes of the hurricane relief effort: the working class of New Orleans. The maintenance workers who used a fork lift to carry the sick and disabled. The engineers, who rigged, nurtured and kept the generators running. The electricians who improvised thick extension cords stretching over blocks to share the little electricity we had in order to free cars stuck on rooftop parking lots. Nurses who took over for mechanical ventilators and spent many hours on end manually forcing air into the lungs of unconscious patients to keep them alive. Doormen who rescued folks stuck in elevators. Refinery workers who broke into boat yards, "stealing" boats to rescue their neighbors clinging to their roofs in flood waters. Mechanics who helped hot-wire any car that could be found to ferry people out of the City. And the food service workers who scoured the commercial kitchens improvising communal meals for hundreds of those stranded.

Most of these workers had lost their homes, and had not heard from members of their families, yet they stayed and provided the only infrastructure for the 20% of New Orleans that was not under water.

On Day 2, there were approximately 500 of us left in the hotels in the French Quarter. We were a mix of foreign tourists, conference attendees like ourselves, and locals who had checked into hotels for safety and shelter from Katrina. Some of us had cell phone contact with family and friends outside of New Orleans. We were repeatedly told that all sorts of resources including the National Guard and scores of buses were pouring in to the City. The buses and the other resources must have been invisible because none of us had seen them.

We decided we had to save ourselves. So we pooled our money and came up with $25,000 to have ten buses come and take us out of the City. Those who did not have the requisite $45.00 for a ticket were subsidized by those who did have extra money. We waited for 48 hours for the buses, spending the last 12 hours standing outside, sharing the limited water, food, and clothes we had. We created a priority boarding area for the sick, elderly and new born babies. We waited late into the night for the "imminent" arrival of the buses. The buses never arrived. We later learned that the minute the arrived to the City limits, they were commandeered by the military.

By day 4 our hotels had run out of fuel and water. Sanitation was dangerously abysmal. As the desperation and despair increased, street crime as well as water levels began to rise. The hotels turned us out and locked their doors, telling us that the "officials" told us to report to the convention center to wait for more buses. As we entered the center of the City, we finally encountered the National Guard. The Guards told us we would not be allowed into the Superdome as the City's primary shelter had descended into a humanitarian and health hellhole. The guards further told us that the City's only other shelter, the Convention Center, was also descending into chaos and squalor and that the police were not allowing anyone else in. Quite naturally, we asked, "If we can't go to the only 2 shelters in the City, what was our alternative?" The guards told us that that was our problem, and no they did not have extra water to give to us. This would be the start of our numerous encounters with callous and hostile "law enforcement".

We walked to the police command center at Harrah's on Canal Street and were told the same thing, that we were on our own, and no they did not have water to give us. We now numbered several hundred. We held a mass meeting to decide a course of action. We agreed to camp outside the police command post. We would be plainly visible to the media and would constitute a highly visible embarrassment to the City officials. The police told us that we could not stay. Regardless, we began to settle in and set up camp. In short order, the police commander came across the street to address our group. He told us he had a solution: we should walk to the Pontchartrain Expressway and cross the greater New Orleans Bridge where the police had buses lined up to take us out of the City. The crowed cheered and began to move. We called everyone back and explained to the commander that there had been lots of misinformation and wrong information and was he sure that there were buses waiting for us. The commander turned to the crowd and stated emphatically, "I swear to you that the buses are there."

We organized ourselves and the 200 of us set off for the bridge with great excitement and hope. As we marched pasted the convention center, many locals saw our determined and optimistic group and asked where we were headed. We told them about the great news. Families immediately grabbed their few belongings and quickly our numbers doubled and then doubled again. Babies in strollers now joined us, people using crutches, elderly clasping walkers and others people in wheelchairs. We marched the 2-3 miles to the freeway and up the steep incline to the Bridge. It now began to pour down rain, but it did not dampen our enthusiasm.

As we approached the bridge, armed Gretna sheriffs formed a line across the foot of the bridge. Before we were close enough to speak, they began firing their weapons over our heads. This sent the crowd fleeing in various directions. As the crowd scattered and dissipated, a few of us inched forward and managed to engage some of the sheriffs in conversation. We told them of our conversation with the police commander and of the commander's assurances. The sheriffs informed us there were no buses waiting. The commander had lied to us to get us to move.

We questioned why we couldn't cross the bridge anyway, especially as there was little traffic on the 6-lane highway. They responded that the West Bank was not going to become New Orleans and there would be no Superdomes in their City. These were code words for if you are poor and black, you are not crossing the Mississippi River and you were not getting out of New Orleans.

Our small group retreated back down Highway 90 to seek shelter from the rain under an overpass. We debated our options and in the end decided to build an encampment in the middle of the Ponchartrain Expressway on the center divide, between the O'Keefe and Tchoupitoulas exits. We reasoned we would be visible to everyone, we would have some security being on an elevated freeway and we could wait and watch for the arrival of the yet to be seen buses.

All day long, we saw other families, individuals and groups make the same trip up the incline in an attempt to cross the bridge, only to be turned away. Some chased away with gunfire, others simply told no, others to be verbally berated and humiliated. Thousands of New Orleaners were prevented and prohibited from self-evacuating the City on foot. Meanwhile, the only two City shelters sank further into squalor and disrepair. The only way across the bridge was by vehicle. We saw workers stealing trucks, buses, moving vans, semi-trucks and any car that could be hotwired. All were packed with people trying to escape the misery New Orleans had become.

Our little encampment began to blossom. Someone stole a water delivery truck and brought it up to us. Let's hear it for looting! A mile or so down the freeway, an army truck lost a couple of pallets of C-rations on a tight turn. We ferried the food back to our camp in shopping carts. Now secure with the two necessities, food and water; cooperation, community, and creativity flowered. We organized a clean up and hung garbage bags from the rebar poles. We made beds from wood pallets and cardboard. We designated a storm drain as the bathroom and the kids built an elaborate enclosure for privacy out of plastic, broken umbrellas, and other scraps. We even organized a food recycling system where individuals could swap out parts of C-rations (applesauce for babies and candies for kids!).

This was a process we saw repeatedly in the aftermath of Katrina. When individuals had to fight to find food or water, it meant looking out for yourself only. You had to do whatever it took to find water for your kids or food for your parents. When these basic needs were met, people began to look out for each other, working together and constructing a community.

If the relief organizations had saturated the City with food and water in the first 2 or 3 days, the desperation, the frustration and the ugliness would not have set in.

Flush with the necessities, we offered food and water to passing families and individuals. Many decided to stay and join us. Our encampment grew to 80 or 90 people.

From a woman with a battery powered radio we learned that the media was talking about us. Up in full view on the freeway, every relief and news organizations saw us on their way into the City. Officials were being asked what they were going to do about all those families living up on the freeway? The officials responded they were going to take care of us. Some of us got a sinking feeling. "Taking care of us" had an ominous tone to it.

Unfortunately, our sinking feeling (along with the sinking City) was correct. Just as dusk set in, a Gretna Sheriff showed up, jumped out of his patrol vehicle, aimed his gun at our faces, screaming, "Get off the fucking freeway". A helicopter arrived and used the wind from its blades to blow away our flimsy structures. As we retreated, the sheriff loaded up his truck with our food and water.

Once again, at gunpoint, we were forced off the freeway. All the law enforcement agencies appeared threatened when we congregated or congealed into groups of 20 or more. In every congregation of "victims" they saw "mob" or "riot". We felt safety in numbers. Our "we must stay together" was impossible because the agencies would force us into small atomized groups.

In the pandemonium of having our camp raided and destroyed, we scattered once again. Reduced to a small group of 8 people, in the dark, we sought refuge in an abandoned school bus, under the freeway on Cilo Street. We were hiding from possible criminal elements but equally and definitely, we were hiding from the police and sheriffs with their martial law, curfew and shoot-to-kill policies.

The next days, our group of 8 walked most of the day, made contact with New Orleans Fire Department and were eventually airlifted out by an urban search and rescue team. We were dropped off near the airport and managed to catch a ride with the National Guard. The two young guardsmen apologized for the limited response of the Louisiana guards. They explained that a large section of their unit was in Iraq and that meant they were shorthanded and were unable to complete all the tasks they were assigned.

We arrived at the airport on the day a massive airlift had begun. The airport had become another Superdome. We 8 were caught in a press of humanity as flights were delayed for several hours while George Bush landed briefly at the airport for a photo op. After being evacuated on a coast guard cargo plane, we arrived in San Antonio, Texas.

There the humiliation and dehumanization of the official relief effort continued. We were placed on buses and driven to a large field where we were forced to sit for hours and hours. Some of the buses did not have air-conditioners. In the dark, hundreds if us were forced to share two filthy overflowing porta-potties. Those who managed to make it out with any possessions (often a few belongings in tattered plastic bags) we were subjected to two different dog-sniffing searches.

Most of us had not eaten all day because our C-rations had been confiscated at the airport because the rations set off the metal detectors. Yet, no food had been provided to the men, women, children, elderly, disabled as they sat for hours waiting to be "medically screened" to make sure we were not carrying any communicable diseases.

This official treatment was in sharp contrast to the warm, heart-felt reception given to us by the ordinary Texans. We saw one airline worker give her shoes to someone who was barefoot. Strangers on the street offered us money and toiletries with words of welcome. Throughout, the official relief effort was callous, inept, and racist.

There was more suffering than need be.
Lives were lost that did not need to be lost.

Sep 6, 2005, 11:59
By Paramedics Larry Bradsahw and Lorrie Beth Slonsky

http://www.emsnetwork.org/artman/publish/article_18337.shtml

Is there nothing the administration can do that will get them fired? If you did so poorly at your job, wouldn't you be fired? George Bush could drink the blood of infants on national TV and not lose one point off his approval numbers.

Drat!

2005-09-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): You could fall in love with your own dream today and not even realize that you lost contact with reality. Something about your regular routine rubs you wrong now, and rather than work to change it gradually, you want to fix it immediately. Part of your solution is to fire up your fantasy machine to help you escape. It sounds like a plausible plan, but it won't work. Better to face reality sooner than later. beliefnet.com

But I don't wanna! Stupid, sucky reality!

Plans

2005-09-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): The weekend may prove to be less social than usual, but it won't be unpleasantly so. You have been putting out a lot of energy for the sake of others and now it's time to withdraw from external noise so you can recharge your inner batteries. Tie up as many loose ends as possible early in the day so you can be ready for your mini-retreat. beliefnet.com

Those loose ends would be dropping my classes. As I already wrote, my employer refused to let me change my schedule to accomodate some daytime classes this semester. I had registered for another class as a backup that meets Friday evenings and Saturday afternoons. But we're planning to visit my sister-in-law's family later this year, so that would be two days of classes missed. Plus I'm trying to pay off some bills. And whether I take it this semester or next doesn't make any difference to my timetable, since I can't transfer until next fall anyway. So I'm going to drop that class and take it in the spring instead. I've been putting it off because I feel like a failure not going to school. My husband's been really good about helping me with these unproductive feelings. And he's right, it doesn't make me a failure. It's just a schedule adjustment, allowing me to tie up some loose ends - bills, family - and then I can take the class next semester with a clearer head. I'll catch up on some reading and practice my flute some more. And I still haven't got that tattoo yet, so I have to get moving on that.

Non sequitur: I just got the new Death Cab for Cutie album and I Love It. This is my new soundtrack.

(title)

2005-08-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Your ruling planet Venus is at home in your sign now, enjoying the magical vibes of Neptune. You are on a creative high, but you are also content enough that you might not even try to manifest what is currently possible. Do whatever you must to motivate yourself into action; you'll be very glad you did. beliefnet.com

I did actually have an art project idea I was mulling over yesterday. Guess I better act on it.

We saw Pretty Persuasion the other day. Good movie, I recommend it. Sunday we went to the Ahmanson Theatre and saw Dead End. Great show - gunfire, water splashing - lots of fun.

Yesterday was very depressing. Late Friday afternoon I was informed that I was being transferred to another department; this will be for about 3 months, and may become permanent. I've subbed in this department before, so it's nothing new. But, like most people, I don't like change caused by someone else. Also, yesterday was the first day of the fall semester, and the first day of the class that my employer wouldn't allow me to change my schedule to attend. So, all in all, it was a day of reminders about how little control I have over my life. Like I said, very depressing.

Where I Live Now

2005-08-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

Where I live now is Toluca Lake. It is a tiny part of North Hollywood (which is itself a piece of Los Angeles) nestled against Burbank and Studio City. There are a lot of entertainment companies nearby. It sometimes seems like I'm surrounded by actors and assorted industry types. This makes me want to spit. The houses in my neighborhood cost around $700,000. These are not grand manses, these are your typical California ranch-style houses. This makes we want to more than spit.

Vis a vis me and L.A., the shine is really off the hog.

The Million Dollar Question

2005-08-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

Are You Ready to Be a Mom?

Start clearing out that extra room — sounds like you're going to need a nursery before too much longer. Because, despite a few lingering hesitations, it looks like you're almost ready to change your name to "Mommy." It's great that you recognize your concerns, though, whether you're worried about not knowing how to be a mom or just that you might not be quite ready to turn your life upside-down. If it's the latter — if you're afraid that you're not emotionally ready or aren't too keen on restructuring your lifestyle — then maybe it's a good idea to hold off for a bit. But try not to worry too much about the "not knowing what to do" part. As long as you've got maternal instincts — and a great support network — the rest will come naturally. No one knows exactly what to do until they've actually got the baby in their arms. To put it another way, try this quick "test": Does the thought of knowing all the words to the latest children's songs make you giddy? (try nauseous) Do you browse through Baby Gap just to see how precious tiny jeans and sweaters can be? (guilty) Does watching a toddler dance erase your stress and make you grin? (yup*) If you answered "yes," you just might be ready to decorate a nursery and get busy in the bedroom!

Take the test.

I suppose all the bits of me that aren't ready wouldn't have time to speak up anyway. I'd probably be too tired to remember that I used to go out and had nice things. I think being a mother would cure me of those last bits of perfectionism I'm harboring. After all, there's nothing more humbling than having a child.

*My husband's niece danced the night away at our wedding. She was probably 5 or so. It was the cutest thing. And to jazz nonetheless. She's got a really good musical sensibility, especially for rhythm.

Everyday Poetry

2005-08-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

those wanton eyes of the Maja

www.shootinggallerysf.com

Say What?

2005-08-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Chick: He was getting blown by a trannie and right before he came he said, "get out of my car, you faggot" and that's how he knew he wasn't gay.
--W Hotel bar, Union Square
Overheard by: Somebody nowhere
OINY

Freedom, Shmeedom

2005-08-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

Think you live in a free and democratic society? Think again.

A federal lawsuit was filed last Wednesday on behalf of a 14-year-old rap artist and his parents, charging that the Riverside Beaver School District in Pennsylvania violated the student's First Amendment free speech rights by expelling the boy for rap music he wrote at home and posted on the Internet.

"School officials are not parents, and the First Amendment limits their authority to control what students read, write, rap or listen to in their own homes," said Witold Walczak, ACLU of Pennsylvania Legal Director.

The student, Anthony Latour, wrote and recorded the music at home and did not bring it into school. The principal admitted that the songs did not cause any disruption in the classroom.

Anthony has been writing and playing rap music for several years, and his parents bought him home recording equipment. His songs are fairly typical rap music, which include verbal challenges, "jousting" with other rappers and violent imagery.

In late April of this year, Anthony was arrested for several songs he composed over the past three years under the charge that the lyrics are "terroristic threats" because they describe acts of violence. Although the juvenile court charges are still pending, the school district expelled him from school for the rest of this year and next.

more

A 14-year-old kid rapping at home is a terrorist?

Y'know, when the Patriot Act was first introduced, we (that is progressives) protested and fought against it. Its proponents declared that it would not be used for political purposes, like we said it would.

Uh huh. Told you so.

Chow

2005-08-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

"The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices." here

"Ferret brain activity increased just 20 percent when looking at Keanu Reeves compared to looking at darkness, the study found." here

Arte Moderne

2005-08-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

I've begun the long and expensive process of framing all the art I purchased in the past year or so. It started when I recently received a shipment of two large prints I ordered from a gallery in Colorado. After unpacking them, I didn't want to roll them back up and stick them away. So I laid them out on a mostly flat surface, hard to come by at my place, and decided I had to start framing all this stuff. The very next weekend I got the larger of the two framed. When I was next paid, I took the second one in. I've got them both back now and they look great. I went all out for the custom framing. I figure it pays off in the long run, since 1) I'll be looking at them every day; 2) we are more likely to regret the things we don't do; and 3) the art deserves it. When I went back to get the second one framed, the girl remembered me. She was there when I brought in the first piece, though it was someone else who helped me then. When I picked up the second piece, the guy who helped me with the first piece was there and he remembered me, too. They each recognized me on sight. Am I that peculiar? I always think of myself as wholly unremarkable to others; I always assume people won't remember me. Yet these people had seen me once and knew me right away a few weeks later. Huh. I suppose I expect people to be like me - I hardly ever remember anyone. I've been known to introduce myself to someone who it turns out I've already met twice before. I didn't recognize the guy who helped me, I just figured it was him since he knew me and mentioned the first print. I think I'm rambling. Is this making any sense? Ugh, sorry, I've had a headache all day. I need my allergy medicine, but I'm having a severe communication problem with my doctor's office. My doctor wants to give me the medicine, my HMO has approved it, yet I still don't have the prescription. I keep calling and getting nothing. Just add it to the list of snafus this year.

Some To Grow On

2005-08-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

Words of the day:

catamite - a boy kept by a pederast
pederast - one that practices anal intercourse especially with a boy (literally, lover of boys)
erne - a long-winged sea eagle with a short white wedge-shaped tail
loran - a system of long-range navigation in which pulsed signals sent out by two pairs of radio stations are used to determine the geographical position of a ship or an airplane (long-range navigation)
polymath - a person of encyclopedic learning
mandarin - marked by polished ornate complexity of language
issei - a Japanese immigrant especially to the U.S. (literally, first generation)

New Music

2005-08-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

We didn't go see Cellar Door, but my father-in-law gave us their CD. Check it out, they're pretty good.

Scratch That

2005-07-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

So, we're not going to see Cellar Door. My husband is rehearsing tonight instead. They're supposed to start recording next week, so rehearsal is definitely in order.

Bought this shirt online yesterday (in a large!). Should go nicely with the Lucky skirt (size 10!) I bought last weekend and my Simple argyle tennies (still only a 7, whew!).

Sunday we're going to see The Book of Liz. Any time you get a chance to read/hear/see anything by Amy and/or David Sedaris, take it.

Arnie keeps calling the California Legislature "the big spenders in Sacramento". Well, what exactly is he? He works in Sacramento with them, and I certainly wouldn't call him frugal. A recent fundraising event hosted by Dean Koontz charged $25,000 per couple. Yet he still claims he's bringing government back to the people. Dude, "the people" can't afford $25,000 for dinner. I guess when he said he wanted to reform a government that no longer listened to the people, the idea he had in mind was a government that listens to rich people. I thought that's what we already had. We've got to get all this money out of politics.

Sked

2005-07-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

We will be here on Saturday afternoon with my mom and sister, and then here in the evening. A friend of ours is exhibiting in the group show Mix, so we're going to the opening reception.

Friday we're going to see the band Cellar Door play in Long Beach, I forgot where. My father-in-law is working at the studio where they're recording. He says they're really good.

Something's going on Sunday too, but I can't remember what.

Yes

2005-07-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Stress in your life may stem from the difficulty of integrating your own need for freedom and independence into the responsibilities you have accepted. Your role as nurturer may get in the way of your own self-expression. Control your impulses so that you don't make others unnecessarily angry without a sensible cause. beliefnet.com

This is exactly what I was talking about.

Activities

2005-07-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

We went to the Beck show at the Universal, er, Gibson Amphitheatre (when did that change?) Friday night. Le Tigre opened, and they were fabulous. What a great start to the evening, and congrats to them for getting such a great gig. They really deserve it. Beck was great too. I liked this show better than the one at the Greek a few years ago. He's a good performer, has a lot of fun onstage, always willing to try something new, brings a lot of humor into it. I particularly loved the dancer, he was awesome.

Saturday was very busy. I took my car in to the dealership to get a motor mount replaced. We went to breakfast in the meantime and did a bit of shopping. We were supposed to be shopping for jeans for my husband, but he's incredibly picky. So he got nothing and I got two skirts and a camisole. We went home for a bit and then back to pick up my car. It runs so smooth now, with very little vibration. Plus they washed it, just in time as it was very dirty. We read for a bit from The Devil's Candy, which my father-in-law gave us. Then we went to pick up a couple pizzas and headed over to my father-in-law's place for poker. It was a good game and I came out a good bit ahead.

Sunday was more leisurely. We had breakfast at a cuban restaurant in old town Pasadena. The coffee was so absurdly strong it gave me a sick tummy that lasted all day. But the food was good as usual. My husband tried shopping for jeans again with no luck. Then we went to Il Fornaio for something fizzy to settle my stomach. I chose a cuba libre and my husband got a mojito. They make the second best mojito I've ever had - the perfect balance of lime, mint, and sweet. The best is at Xiomara, where they use fresh sugarcane juice in theirs. Thus fortified, we set out for home. Dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, dinner, tv, bed. And that was that.

God, I hope so.

2005-07-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): As the Moon enter Aries in your 7th House of Partnerships, get ready to address real concerns coming from a business associate or a friend. There's no reason to sidestep the issues, for you haven't done anything wrong; it's just that clarification is needed. If you hold your position with integrity, what starts as a confrontation can quickly turn into a reaffirmation of mutual respect. beliefnet.com

I do need to address a comment made by a supervisor at our staff meeting last week. She reference a policy that nobody else seems to know about - including other management. It seems she's replacing company policy with her own personal belief system. Way uncool. And, of course, nobody else will say anything. Once again I have to be the responsible one. Once again I'm the only one with a spine, and now I have to protect these jellyfish I work with. I'm getting really sick of this life pattern. When is someone going to take care of me?

Friggin Hell

2005-07-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

What is going on in my life? All communication this year has fallen into the abyss. To wit:

1. Sent a purse in for repair in January. Forgot about it. Called them last week. They lost my purse at the warehouse. (aside: you don't lose a bright red purse; it was probably stolen by a worker.) They're going to send me a replacement.

2. Bought a t-shirt online. It was too big, so I bought another one of the correct size and sent back the first. I emailed ahead indicating I wanted an exchange, but of a different item since I'd already replaced that one. That was at the very beginning of June and I haven't received anything. I just emailed again today.

3. Bought a skirt on eBay. It was very different from the description, so I insisted on a return/refund. She agreed (actually her mom agreed for her) and I sent it back. It was delivered July 13, but I haven't received any reply or refund. I sent another email today.

4. Bought some jeans a few months ago on eBay. Never received them, seller wouldn't reply. So I had to go through the dispute process and, when that didn't work, file a claim. The claim was found in my favor, but after the resolution fees were deducted, I only got about half my money back.

Was Mercury retrograde recently or something? What the hell's going on? In general, I am getting some resolution, but it's so draining to have to be constantly nipping at people's heels to get there. I'm a very responsible person, and it really pisses me off when other people aren't. That's part of the duty of living in a society. If you don't want to be responsible, get the hell out of my civilization.

Full Throttle

2005-07-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

Libra
There is a proverb from the American culture of the early 21st century that I'd like to run by you, Libra: "Never reveal all you know, confess everything you feel, show how much you care, or give all you have." According to my astrological analysis, this is the worst possible advice you could receive in order to thrive in the coming weeks. In fact, if it were up to me, you'd do just the opposite. I understand if you can't bring yourself to do that, especially if you're an American. Nonetheless, that's what would be good for you.
free will astrology

Oh my, that is a difficult thing to do. I tend to hold alot back, so it'll be easier for me to leave. If I never let myself get too attached, I won't care so much if you leave. That way you can't hurt me. Of course, it also means you can't love me. Trite, I know. I need to work on it, if only to avoid the Dread Banal.

Swoon

2005-07-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, Bloc Party, je t'adore!

Untitled

2005-07-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): You may run into a situation today where your sensitivity causes you to overreact. You might believe that you handled the situation just right, but the other person thinks differently. Explain your actions clearly and then let the whole thing go. Accept the possibility that there is a lesson here for you to learn, but brooding over what you should have done is not productive. beliefnet.com

Well this is just good advice any day.

Oh, Missouri

2005-07-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

Bikini waxing will soon be illegal for minors in Missouri. That has got to violate privacy rights.

Let me correct a few common misconceptions.

"Kids nowadays are acting too grown up."
In the first half of the 20th century it was common for children to work in factories, and teens to marry and start families. If you reached 20 without a husband and kids, you were an old maid. Children were often apprenticed out around the age of 10, meaning they left home and worked for a craftsman in exchange for room and board to learn a trade.

"Kids nowadays are too sexually promiscuous."
Less than 100 years ago, in some counties something like 40% of marriages began with the woman already pregnant. You'd be shocked by what your grandparents and great-grandparents were actually doing as kids.

Adolescence was created maybe 60 years ago. We as a culture have been lengthening childhood ever since. We've gone from "kids need to learn about the world" to "kids need to be protected from the world".

Nostalgia is a lie. There never were any "good old days".

Food for Thought

2005-07-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Moods come and go now as the Moon feeds you with her changing whims. An undying optimism can overcome all obstacles, but you must remember to honor the truth of reality instead of just wishing your way to success. Your dreams are strong, but not necessarily able to overpower everything in your path. Make use of the power of positive thought reinforced by effective work habits.

I'm really not a pessimist, though I've been called one. I'm just a realist and, while I understand the need for positive thought, I want to hold fast to reality. Damn the insanity, full truth ahead! Isn't there a way to have honesty and sanity?

Yay!!

2005-07-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

We're not the only couple that breaks into song!

Moving Toward Acceptance

2005-07-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

As much as I hate all the problems with L.A., I'm beginning to realize that I really *can't* live anywhere else. I am an L.A. woman. As much as I stick out here, I'd be a freakish oddity most anywhere else. Really, I can almost blend in here a lot of the time. If I really tried, I could totally blend in, but my psyche rebels when I try that.

I'm relearning to play the flute. I was really good at it, starting in 5th or 6th grade thru 8th. What happened was this. I started in elementary school and really enjoyed it. I'd had private piano lessons before and I continued with the same teacher when I switched to flute. When I started 7th grade, my junior high had an orchestra. But then we moved halfway through 7th grade. My new junior high had a marching band. A marching band! Oh, no. I didn't want that, I wanted orchestra. However, at this point, with our new mortgage, we had no money for private music lessons anymore and the flute wasn't paid off yet. So my dad insisted that as long as he was paying for it, I was going to play it. And, being the bull-headed person I am, I didn't try to make the best of it. No, no, I decided I'd show him. So I slouched through band, hating every minute and refusing to practice. I still managed to be quite good for a while, but eventually I came to associate those negative feelings with the flute itself. By the time I finished junior high, and the flute was paid for, I no longer had any interest in it. So, even though my high school did have an orchestra, I dropped music altogether. So I showed *who* exactly? Yeah.

So, now I'm trying to recapture it. I'm such an idiot sometimes. Fortunately, it is a bit like riding a bike, and I'm picking it up rather quickly. And my husband is very supportive, which helps immeasurably as I'm rather embarrassed about the whole thing.

On another note, I've decided to blackmail my mom. She's put on a lot of weight and become really unhealthy. I think she qualifies as obese at this point. She eats a lot of junk and doesn't exercise. She's got high blood pressure now, and who knows what else that she isn't telling me about. It's crazy because that isn't how we were raised. I don't know what happened. So, I'm putting my uterus on the table. One baby for one healthy mom. That's the deal. Grandkid or cheese puffs? It's her choice.

C'mon, dance for it!

Mmm, Gamey

2005-06-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'd like to digress for a moment and discuss my love of the game meats. Rabbit, venison, lamb ... okay lamb isn't quite a game meat, but it's in the vicinity. It's an unusual love. Most people, including most of my family, prefer the bland shrink-wrapped meats at the supermarket. How tame. Pablum I say! Give me strong flavors rife with memories of your beating heart in a wooded glen. Let me taste a mossy stream in your blood. I want the flavors of wild grasses dancing on my tongue.

C'mon little bunny! I just wanna gnaw on your belly.

Goddamn It All To Hell

2005-06-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, big surprise! The punk ass motherfuckers I work for denied my request to alter my schedule so I could attend college. So what, you say? Well, they're allegedly not a "regular" employer. They're a union. They even have a scholarship program and a tuition reimbursement program. We're supposed to fight for something for our members while at the same time denying it for ourselves, and by the way how dare you even ask. You oughta show more appreciation to management. What a fucking crock.

So, now I have to drop the classes - I had to register to save my place just in case - and I won't get that money back from the college for a couple or few months. Meanwhile I'm paying interest charges on my credit card for it. With the fall and summer semester registrations, I'm out about $500.

Gah!!

Joke

2005-06-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

However, this story is not. Poor mom, she really wanted this to be true. She showed me the email she read it in and asked for my opinion. I told her it was probably false and she seemed to not like that much, insisting that it could be true. Maybe, but no.

Elephantasy

From the unbelievable chaos of the Tsunami disaster comes an incredible tale from Jim France of the Pavilion Hotel Group in Bangkok.

At a resort on Phuket, one of the most popular attractions is (was) elephant rides. As many as eight people on one elephant, first into the surrounding forest, then down to the beach, to lunch at a fresh water lagoon, then back to the hotel. The elephants (nine) were kept chained to in-ground posts, not because they needed to be, but because it made the mothers feel better because their children seemed safe from a tromping when feeding the beasts.

About twenty minutes before the first wave hit, the elephants became extremely agitated and unruly. Four had just returned from a trip and their handlers had not yet chained them. They helped the other five tear free from their chains. They all then climbed a hill and started bellowing. Many people followed them up the hill. Then the waves hit. After the waves subsided, the elephants charged down from the hill, and started picking up children with their trunks and running them back up the hill; when all the children were taken care of, they started helping the adults.

They rescued forty-two people. Then, they returned to the beach and carried up four dead bodies, one of a child.

Not until the task was done would they allow their handlers to mount them. Then with handlers atop, they began moving wreckage.

No Joke

2005-06-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

I checked with snopes and apparently this story is actually true.

Police: Lions free kidnapped girl

ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (AP) -- Police say three lions rescued a 12-year-old girl kidnapped by men who wanted to force her into marriage, chasing off her abductors and guarding her until police and relatives tracked her down in a remote corner of Ethiopia.

The men had held the girl for seven days, repeatedly beating her, before the lions chased them away and guarded her for half a day before her family and police found her, Sgt. Wondimu Wedajo said Tuesday by telephone from the provincial capital of Bita Genet, some 560 kilometers (348 miles) west of the capital, Addis Ababa.

"They stood guard until we found her and then they just left her like a gift and went back into the forest," Wondimu said, adding he did not know whether the lions were male or female.

News of the June 9 rescue was slow to filter out from Kefa Zone in southwestern Ethiopia.

"If the lions had not come to her rescue then it could have been much worse. Often these young girls are raped and severely beaten to force them to accept the marriage," he said.

"Everyone ... thinks this is some kind of miracle, because normally the lions would attack people," Wondimu said.

Stuart Williams, a wildlife expert with the rural development ministry, said that it was likely that the young girl was saved because she was crying from the trauma of her attack.

"A young girl whimpering could be mistaken for the mewing sound from a lion cub, which in turn could explain why they (the lions) didn't eat her," Williams said. "Otherwise they probably would have done."

The girl, the youngest of four brothers and sisters, was "shocked and terrified" and had to be treated for the cuts from her beatings, Wondimu said.

He said that police had caught four of the men, but were still looking for three others.

In Ethiopia, kidnapping has long been part of the marriage custom, a tradition of sorrow and violence whose origins are murky.

The United Nations estimates that more than 70 percent of marriages in Ethiopia are by abduction, practiced in rural areas where the majority of the country's 71 million people live.

Ethiopia's lions, famous for their large black manes, are the country's national symbol and adorn statues and the local currency. Former emperor Haile Selassie kept a pride in the royal palace in Addis Ababa.

Despite their integral place in Ethiopia culture, their numbers have been falling, according to experts, as farmers encroach on bush land.

Hunters also kill the animals for their skins, which can fetch $1,000, despite a recent crackdown against illegal animal trading across the country. Williams said that at most only 1,000 Ethiopian lions remain in the wild.

Dive In Head First

2005-06-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Express your emotions with confidence, and be ready for some unexpected action. This isn't about being gracious. Face it: you are the Champion of Nice. You thrive on making others feel at ease, which in turn makes you feel better yourself. Now, however, you must push past the infatuation stage and beyond your dreams. Get real and make your move. beliefnet.com

My grievance was denied, of course. I sent an email out to everyone who signed the petition in my support, summarizing the meeting I had with management. Now everyone is Really Pissed Off. I got a lot of response from that email, lots of support. They're talking about next steps and doing a group call in to management. One of them already met with management to express her disappointment and anger about the decision. It's really beautiful to see everyone rally together. And all over little ol' me.

All I wanted was to take one college class in summer.

One bit from a supportive email that was really heartening was this:

"[She] suffers from an ailment of understanding her self-worth ..."

Here's another:

"[She] has been one of the best, most reliable, most competent support staff that we have had ..."

Now for something completely different. I'm studying Buddhism. I've been leaning towards it for quite some time, but then shying away because it just seemed so L.A. I mean, isn't it enough that I drink lattes, eat sushi, do pilates, vote liberal, read independent media, and watch public television? (Gah, I really do belong here.) I'm really not trendy (I swear!) and yet I somehow end up smack in the middle of a trend. It's like I'm casually biking down the road and suddenly I'm overtaken by a pack of cyclists and end up in the middle of a race. Weird.

So, anyway I'm doing that. Also, I've finally decided on my tattoo. I've always meant to get one, but could never decide on what and where. My aesthetic is constantly evolving, so I wanted to be sure of my choice. No Winona Forever fiasco for me thank you very much. Likewise my body is a fluid sculpture (heh) and I didn't want to put something on a particularly stretchy bit. So, obviously my belly was not an option. And I didn't want anything too girly. My sister has a yin-yang dealy on the small of her back and a dolphin on her ankle. Or was it vice-versa. Well, something like that. Very girly. On the other hand, I don't want anything too masculine either. I think a pin-up girl on my bicep would be rather outre.

Oh, my decision, right. So I'll get an ouroboros between my shoulder blades at the top of my spine. My father-in-law knows a man and his ex-wife who are both tattoo artists. Interestingly, she taught him the art. They're supposed to be quite good, so I want one of them to do it. I'll post a photo when all is said and done.

Something good will come out of all this.

Looking Up

2005-06-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling somewhat better, if only because I couldn't feel any worse. Hey, nowhere to go but up.

Good:
I surveyed the employment landscape around here and it's actually quite good. A lot of my co-workers signed a petition in support of me at work.

Bad:
Had a meeting with management today. They took the position that they are right, no matter what. They didn't even pretend to come into the meeting with good faith; they had no intention of allowing any discussion. It didn't used to be like this. We got new management in a couple years ago; they're less qualified than their predecessors and they get all puffed up trying to cover for it. Everyone here is really demoralized by it. I actually have the gall to disagree and that makes me a target. Eh, kinda fascist.

So I have a routine appointment with my doctor next Wednesday. I'm gonna talk to her about going on Zoloft. Zoloft isn't associated with weight gain like Paxil is. My husband said I look like I've lost a little weight already. It feels like it. My clothes are fitting a little better. Hopefully I'll be back down to me size within a few months.

I've put in a request to change my work schedule to come in earlier, stay later, and have a longer mid-day break so I can take a couple classes that meet in the early afternoon. One is a statistics class I need to take as preparation for my major and it's better if I take it before I transfer (MWF). The other is Anthropology of Religion (TTh). I've been interested in that class for years now but it's always offered during midday so I never took it. I took another class with the same teacher and really enjoyed it, so I'd like to give it a shot while I can as this will be my last semester at this school.

I have a plan b - take a slightly different statistics class (math dept instead of social science dept) in the evening and no anthropology. I would very much prefer the former option. Here's hoping for better luck.

Un-Well

2005-06-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

I've been severely depressed, nearly suicidal, all week. I'm crying at everything and nothing. Last night I was flipping through the LA Weekly and tears started running down my face. No wracking sobs; I'm too depressed even for that. I feel like I'm finally doing everything right in life and it just seems like too little too late. Sorry girl, you missed your chance. None left for you.

I need a way out.

Global Warming Online March

2005-06-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

From the vanishing glaciers in Montana to the damaged coral reefs of Florida, to sinking villages in Alaska and wild fire outbreaks in California, the impacts of global warming are a part of daily life across the United States. It is crucial that you join the March because the consequences of doing nothing are unimaginable.

It affects everyone. Young, old, rich, poor, urban, rural, right wing, left wing, those in the middle. Global warming is a national security problem, an economic problem, and a public health problem. And it's not going to get better unless we act now

Americans from all regions and walks of life need to join together and urge our leaders to take action to stop global warming. Leading scientists, political and religious leaders, prominent Americans and concerned citizens have joined but change can't happen without you. It is through our numbers and personal stories that we will spur our community, government and business leaders to take action against global warming.

Join me. Together we will march toward a solution to the problem of global warming.

Anti-anti-immigrant

2005-06-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

BUSINESS/FINANCIAL DESK | April 5, 2005

Illegal Immigrants Are Bolstering Social Security With Billions

By EDUARDO PORTER (NYT)

ABSTRACT - About seven million illegal immigrant workers in United States are providing Social Security system with subsidy of as much as $7 billion a year through payroll taxes withheld from their wages, but they will not be eligible for public pensions in retirement; their contributions to Social Security add up to 10 percent of last year's surplus; money paid by illegal workers and their employers is factored into all Social Security Administration's projections; many illegal workers buy fake ID packages that include Social Security card; that provides cover for their employers, who could be fined for knowingly hiring illegal immigrants under law passed in 1986; Social Security Administration receives flood of W-2 earnings reports with incorrect--sometimes fictitious--Social Security numbers; it stashes them in 'earnings suspense file' that has been mushrooming, now totaling $189 billion; Social Security officials suspect that large portion of suspense file corresponds to earnings of illegal immigrants; illegal immigrants see Social Security withholding taxes as price of working in US; retirement does not enter picture for them.

Rancor

2005-06-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

I was denied my request to use vacation time to go to school. Just a few hours a day for the summer session for a class I need to graduate. Sum total is the equivalent of less than 10 days spread over 6 weeks. What's the point of accruing vacation that you can't use? So I filed a grievance. Also the staff I work for are circulating a petition in my support. It's nice that the staff support me, but it really sucks that I even have to do this. Here we are trying to recruit people to the union and I'm getting the shaft from the very same union.

Management has completely locked themselves away in a fortress of silence. They refuse to admit any real wrongdoing, even as they insist on layoffs because they screwed up the budget. Now it's all cutbacks. Well, not *all*; no management cutbacks, of course. Since they can do no wrong. Their excuse to the board was that they overhired. But we're a non-profit, which is a lot like being on a fixed income - you know in advance how much money you'll have for the year. It's just mis-management, that's the bottom line.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. Right now, everything's up for reassessment. Maybe I won't go to UCLA. Maybe I'll move to Seattle. I hear the UW up there has a great psychology program. I also noticed on their website that they offer an evening degree course. UCLA doesn't have that. The soggy northwest would be great for my allergies. Housing's cheaper there too. But it's far from family and friends. Neither me nor my husband has ever been far from family. It would split his band up. And we don't know what the job market's like up there.

But I'm tired of Los Angeles. Hell, I'm tired of California. Sick of Arnie, sick of the budget crisis, sick of sprawl, overcrowding, traffic, and deathly sick of the absurd real estate market. Do I really love L.A. or do I not know any better? I've never been anywhere else. I'd like to try somewhere else, even just for a couple years.

I need to make a decision about one thing *real* quick. Class starts Monday. It's very unlikely management will even bother to respond to my grievance before then. So do I drop the class? I think I have to, since management could drag this out for a few weeks, by which time it's moot. I'll still continue with the grievance, just to set the precedent. But, unfortunately, it won't benefit me. Why must I always blaze the trail for others? I don't want to be a leader; I just want to do my own thing.

It's a good job; I like the work and my co-workers. But this is just a symptom of how the union has changed over the last few years. The whole labor movement is changing, and not for the better. I really think they're going down the wrong path. It's quite possible our local won't even exist next year; or will be limited to the central valley instead of being statewide. It's almost certain our local will lose its southern california presence in the near future. Maybe now's the time to get out.

Anybody know anything about the Seattle area job market?

Chronicles of Paxil

2005-06-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

I tried to detox over Memorial Day weekend - nice long weekend, plenty of time to shake it off. But I didn't quite make it over the hump. I didn't take any Sunday and all was fine. But Monday I was feeling it. Oh, it was putting the hurt to me. So my husband convinced me that it was okay and not a sign of personal failure to go ahead and take a dose, and I relented. The next day I took a pill with me to work, just in case. That pill is still in my purse. I feel like I have a mild flu, but I'm getting through it. It's not as bad as before. Each time I try, it gets easier. I think I'll make it this time.

In other news, I'm going to the Pixies show tonight with some friends. And next week is finals week at school. Then a short hiatus (one week) and back to the millstone for the summer session. That'll wrap up my statistics requirement and I'll be ready for transfer.

I Always Do

2005-06-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): It's time for you good-natured Librans to remove the velvet gloves and fight to express your individuality. Don't make the mistake of just bowing to the pressure of authority and control. Instead of relying on others to fight for your position, take responsibility yourself. It won't be easy, but you'll be much better off if you stand up to anyone who abuses their power.
beliefnet.com

Story of my life. I have the dubious talent of being a fearless leader. Really I don't want to lead, I just want to do my own thing. But as much as I abhor conflict, I hate injustice even more, so I'm condemned to act.

sigh

2005-05-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

This makes me sad, but I don't understand why.

First My Cooch, Now My Soul

2005-05-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

Over the past three years, the federal government has awarded more than one million dollars to the "Silver Ring Thing," an abstinence-only organization that describes its mission as "offering a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as the best way to live a sexually pure life."

Last week, in response to a lawsuit filed by the ACLU and Jenner & Block LLP against the federal government for funding religious activities in an abstinence-only program, the Silver Ring Thing substantially altered and removed religious content from its website.

During the "Silver Ring Thing's" flagship three-hour program members testify about how accepting Jesus Christ improved their lives, quote Bible passages, and urge audience members to ask the Lord Jesus Christ to come into their lives. In addition, the official silver ring of the program is inscribed with a reference to the biblical verse "1 Thess. 4:3-4," which reads "God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body and live in holiness and honor."

The "Silver Ring Thing" is an extensive, nationwide effort that uses government funds for aggressive religious recruitment. Since April 2003, it has held three events in the Boston area and is scheduled to hold a fourth in October of this year. But, it has also held events in Alabama, Connecticut, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia, and Wisconsin and is scheduled to visit Georgia, Ohio, and North Carolina, among other states, in the coming year.

"A sanitized version of the website does not change the fact that the "Silver Ring Thing" in its core programming is nothing more than a vehicle for converting young people to Christianity," said Sarah Wunsch, a staff attorney at the ACLU of Massachusetts. "Taxpayer dollars should play no part in such a program."

Get more information on the ACLU’s Reproductive Freedom program.

So True

2005-05-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Sometimes people don't understand how difficult it is being a Libra. You just want everything to be nice, but of course, life doesn't always measure up to your ideals. You may be struggling now to find a middle path through this obstacle course you've been running. It feels as if you are going too fast or too slow and that you are doing too much or not enough. Adjust your pace often until you find one that works. from Beliefnet.com

I have so much I'm working through right now.

We've been discussing moving out of state because of the incredibly high cost of real estate here - it's impossible to get a foothold - but that raises the specter of employment. And where would we go that would still have everything we do like about L.A. without the high cost? Shangri-La perhaps? It would also mean trashing my dream of going to UCLA. Ouch.

At work, management has managed us right into a $1.2 mil hole. Nice going. So, the specter of layoffs plus the urgent desire to save face adds up to ever-pettier discipline. As shop steward I had to represent a co-worker in a meeting yesterday because management claims she has a habit of not following the call-in procedure when she's late. Here's a real example: she was two minutes late because there was a traffic detour a block from work. Management insists the proper response is to pull over and call her supervisor from a pay phone to advise that she will be late. So, the solution to being two minutes late is to spend five minutes advising that you will be late, another five minutes filing the paperwork for being late once you get here, and another five minutes submitting the forms to be reimbursed for the call. Any wonder we're so far in debt? (BTW, we all agree that if you *know* you're going to be late, i.e. you wake up late or have car trouble, you call from home to advise. We've all been following that procedure.)

Another interesting fact: as we've added managerial staff, we've gotten further in debt. Correlation is not causation, I know, but it does make you wonder.

Our next-door neighbor is moving out. Kind of a bummer; we weren't friends or anything, and didn't even talk much beyond a passing hello, but she was easy to live next to. She isn't terribly noisy, but also isn't too quiet. The first is obvious, but the reason I mention the second is that if a neighbor is too quiet, they might very well expect the same from you. A not-too-quiet neighbor can be relied upon to allow some leniency. We should have a party before she leaves. I hope whoever takes her place is okay.

My current Paxil dosage is 5mg/day. That's a very low dose indeed. It was too difficult for me to drop from 10 to 0. I don't think they even make 5mg pills, so I'm cutting my 10 mils in half. So far it's going all right. I am noticing a difference - I'm a bit crankier, not as perky, and I've been having some various stomach-related issues - but nothing too awful. The real test will be when I stop completely. I think I'll try again on Sunday; Monday's a holiday so I'll have a full day to acclimate without the distraction of work or school. If I can get through that, I think I'll be okay.

It's pretty much a given that I'll have recurring bouts of depression. Of people who have experienced two or more major episodes, 90% will have another. So, the key is to be better prepared, better able to handle it when it happens. Must find new ways to cope. This might mean going back into talk therapy, and that's okay. The main thing for me has been shedding the fear and shame. The only people I hide it from are my co-workers, and that's for the practical reason of not giving management an excuse to write me off (her complaints aren't valid, it's just her depression), not because of any emotional reason.

We've been continuing our occassional discussions re: children. I arrogantly think we would be good parents. I also selfishly don't want to give up my life as it is. So really, if I'm going to have kids, I need to humble myself. And, really, who wants to do that? It's worse than broccoli. So, I'm dragging my feet. My husband's scared of having kids, though he likes the idea in theory and agrees that we probably ought to, which is a very valid response. I can totally see where he's coming from with that. The prospect of irrevocable parenthood is pretty frightening.

We never move forward, only in circles.

This Time's It's Personal

2005-05-18T13:16:00.000-07:00

Published on Tuesday, May 17, 2005 by the Times Online (UK)

Galloway vs. The US Senate: Transcript of Statement

George Galloway, Respect MP for Bethnal Green and Bow, delivered this statement to US Senators today who have accused him of corruption

"Senator, I am not now, nor have I ever been, an oil trader. and neither has anyone on my behalf. I have never seen a barrel of oil, owned one, bought one, sold one - and neither has anyone on my behalf.

"Now I know that standards have slipped in the last few years in Washington, but for a lawyer you are remarkably cavalier with any idea of justice. I am here today but last week you already found me guilty. You traduced my name around the world without ever having asked me a single question, without ever having contacted me, without ever written to me or telephoned me, without any attempt to contact me whatsoever. And you call that justice.

"Now I want to deal with the pages that relate to me in this dossier and I want to point out areas where there are - let's be charitable and say errors. Then I want to put this in the context where I believe it ought to be. On the very first page of your document about me you assert that I have had 'many meetings' with Saddam Hussein. This is false.

"I have had two meetings with Saddam Hussein, once in 1994 and once in August of 2002. By no stretch of the English language can that be described as "many meetings" with Saddam Hussein.

"As a matter of fact, I have met Saddam Hussein exactly the same number of times as Donald Rumsfeld met him. The difference is Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns and to give him maps the better to target those guns. I met him to try and bring about an end to sanctions, suffering and war, and on the second of the two occasions, I met him to try and persuade him to let Dr Hans Blix and the United Nations weapons inspectors back into the country - a rather better use of two meetings with Saddam Hussein than your own Secretary of State for Defense made of his.

"I was an opponent of Saddam Hussein when British and Americans governments and businessmen were selling him guns and gas. I used to demonstrate outside the Iraqi embassy when British and American officials were going in and doing commerce.

"You will see from the official parliamentary record, Hansard, from the 15th March 1990 onwards, voluminous evidence that I have a rather better record of opposition to Saddam Hussein than you do and than any other member of the British or American governments do.

"Now you say in this document, you quote a source, you have the gall to quote a source, without ever having asked me whether the allegation from the source is true, that I am 'the owner of a company which has made substantial profits from trading in Iraqi oil'.

"Senator, I do not own any companies, beyond a small company whose entire purpose, whose sole purpose, is to receive the income from my journalistic earnings from my employer, Associated Newspapers, in London. I do not own a company that's been trading in Iraqi oil. And you have no business to carry a quotation, utterly unsubstantiated and false, implying otherwise.

"Now you have nothing on me, Senator, except my name on lists of names from Iraq, many of which have been drawn up after the installation of your puppet government in Baghdad. If you had any of the letters against me that you had against Zhirinovsky, and even Pasqua, they would have been up there in your slideshow for the members of your committee today.

"You have my name on lists provided to you by the Duelfer inquiry, provided to him by the convicted bank robber, and fraudster and conman Ahmed Chalabi who many people to their credit in your country now realize played a decisive role in leading your country into the disaster in Iraq.

"There were 270 names on that list originally. That's somehow been filleted down to the names you chose to deal with in this committee. Some of the names on that committee included the former secretary to his Holiness Pope John Paul II, the former head of the African National Congress Presidential office and many others who had one defining characteristic in common: they all stood against the policy of sanctions and war which you vociferously prosecuted and which has led us to this disaster.

"You quote Mr Dahar Yassein Ramadan. Well, you have something on me, I've never met Mr Dahar Yassein Ramadan. Your sub-committee apparently has. But I do know that he's your prisoner, I believe he's in Abu Ghraib prison. I believe he is facing war crimes charges, punishable by death. In these circumstances, knowing what the world knows about how you treat prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison, in Bagram Airbase, in Guantanamo Bay, including I may say, British citizens being held in those places.

"I'm not sure how much credibility anyone would put on anything you manage to get from a prisoner in those circumstances. But you quote 13 words from Dahar Yassein Ramadan whom I have never met. If he said what he said, then he is wrong.

"And if you had any evidence that I had ever engaged in any actual oil transaction, if you had any evidence that anybody ever gave me any money, it would be before the public and before this committee today because I agreed with your Mr Greenblatt [Mark Greenblatt, legal counsel on the committee].

"Your Mr Greenblatt was absolutely correct. What counts is not the names on the paper, what counts is where's the money. Senator? Who paid me hundreds of thousands of dollars of money? The answer to that is nobody. And if you had anybody who ever paid me a penny, you would have produced them today.

"Now you refer at length to a company names in these documents as Aredio Petroleum. I say to you under oath here today: I have never heard of this company, I have never met anyone from this company. This company has never paid a penny to me and I'll tell you something else: I can assure you that Aredio Petroleum has never paid a single penny to the Mariam Appeal Campaign. Not a thin dime. I don't know who Aredio Petroleum are, but I daresay if you were to ask them they would confirm that they have never met me or ever paid me a penny.

"Whilst I'm on that subject, who is this senior former regime official that you spoke to yesterday? Don't you think I have a right to know? Don't you think the Committee and the public have a right to know who this senior former regime official you were quoting against me interviewed yesterday actually is?

"Now, one of the most serious of the mistakes you have made in this set of documents is, to be frank, such a schoolboy howler as to make a fool of the efforts that you have made. You assert on page 19, not once but twice, that the documents that you are referring to cover a different period in time from the documents covered by The Daily Telegraph which were a subject of a libel action won by me in the High Court in England late last year.

"You state that The Daily Telegraph article cited documents from 1992 and 1993 whilst you are dealing with documents dating from 2001. Senator, The Daily Telegraph's documents date identically to the documents that you were dealing with in your report here. None of The Daily Telegraph's documents dealt with a period of 1992, 1993. I had never set foot in Iraq until late in 1993 - never in my life. There could possibly be no documents relating to Oil-for-Food matters in 1992, 1993, for the Oil-for-Food scheme did not exist at that time.

"And yet you've allocated a full section of this document to claiming that your documents are from a different era to the Daily Telegraph documents when the opposite is true. Your documents and the Daily Telegraph documents deal with exactly the same period.

"But perhaps you were confusing the Daily Telegraph action with the Christian Science Monitor. The Christian Science Monitor did indeed publish on its front pages a set of allegations against me very similar to the ones that your committee have made. They did indeed rely on documents which started in 1992, 1993. These documents were unmasked by the Christian Science Monitor themselves as forgeries.

"Now, the neo-con websites and newspapers in which you're such a hero, senator, were all absolutely cock-a-hoop at the publication of the Christian Science Monitor documents, they were all absolutely convinced of their authenticity. They were all absolutely convinced that these documents showed me receiving $10 million from the Saddam regime. And they were all lies.

"In the same week as the Daily Telegraph published their documents against me, the Christian Science Monitor published theirs which turned out to be forgeries and the British newspaper, Mail on Sunday, purchased a third set of documents which also upon forensic examination turned out to be forgeries. So there's nothing fanciful about this. Nothing at all fanciful about it.

"The existence of forged documents implicating me in commercial activities with the Iraqi regime is a proven fact. It's a proven fact that these forged documents existed and were being circulated amongst right-wing newspapers in Baghdad and around the world in the immediate aftermath of the fall of the Iraqi regime.

"Now, Senator, I gave my heart and soul to oppose the policy that you promoted. I gave my political life's blood to try to stop the mass killing of Iraqis by the sanctions on Iraq which killed one million Iraqis, most of them children, most of them died before they even knew that they were Iraqis, but they died for no other reason other than that they were Iraqis with the misfortune to born at that time. I gave my heart and soul to stop you committing the disaster that you did commit in invading Iraq. And I told the world that your case for the war was a pack of lies.

“I told the world that Iraq, contrary to your claims did not have weapons of mass destruction. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to al-Qaeda. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to the atrocity on 9/11 2001. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that the Iraqi people would resist a British and American invasion of their country and that the fall of Baghdad would not be the beginning of the end, but merely the end of the beginning.

"Senator, in everything I said about Iraq, I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong and 100,000 people paid with their lives; 1600 of them American soldiers sent to their deaths on a pack of lies; 15,000 of them wounded, many of them disabled forever on a pack of lies.

If the world had listened to Kofi Annan, whose dismissal you demanded, if the world had listened to President Chirac who you want to paint as some kind of corrupt traitor, if the world had listened to me and the anti-war movement in Britain, we would not be in the disaster that we are in today. Senator, this is the mother of all smokescreens. You are trying to divert attention from the crimes that you supported, from the theft of billions of dollars of Iraq's wealth.

"Have a look at the real Oil-for-Food scandal. Have a look at the 14 months you were in charge of Baghdad, the first 14 months when $8.8 billion of Iraq's wealth went missing on your watch. Have a look at Halliburton and other American corporations that stole not only Iraq's money, but the money of the American taxpayer.

"Have a look at the oil that you didn't even meter, that you were shipping out of the country and selling, the proceeds of which went who knows where? Have a look at the $800 million you gave to American military commanders to hand out around the country without even counting it or weighing it.

"Have a look at the real scandal breaking in the newspapers today, revealed in the earlier testimony in this committee. That the biggest sanctions busters were not me or Russian politicians or French politicians. The real sanctions busters were your own companies with the connivance of your own Government."

© 2005 Times Newspapers

Neat!

2005-05-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): It doesn't seem to matter what is happening today, for whatever it is will turn out okay. Your key planet, Venus, now harmonizing with expansive Jupiter, encourages you to indulge in your senses. Don't just idly sit by and let this day pass. Manifest the beauty that lives in your dreams, for your creations will be appreciated by your peers.

from Beliefnet.com

Who's Crazier...

2005-05-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

...the crazy person or the person who pisses off the crazy person?

People, I am trying very hard to not kill you. But you are not helping me in this endeavor! What, do you have a death wish?

Just.

Stop.

It.

Just Can't Stop

2005-05-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

Wackiness: 46/100
Rationality: 34/100
Constructiveness: 68/100
Leadership: 56/100

You are a SECL--Sober Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a Politician.

You cut deals, you change minds, you make things happen. You would prefer to be liked than respected, but generally people react to you with both. You are very sensitive to criticism, since your entire business is making people happy.

At times your commitment to the happiness of other people can cut into the happiness of you and your loved ones. This is very demanding on those close to you, who may feel neglected. Slowly, you will learn to set your own agenda--including time to yourself.

You are gregarious, friendly, charming and charismatic. You like animals, sports, and beautiful cars. You wear understated gold jewelry and have secret bad habits, like chewing your fingers and fidgeting.

You are very difficult to dislike.

Of the 122138 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 7.3 % are this type.

Reactions:
* My bad habits are no secret, but they are actually chewing my fingers and fidgeting.
* My jewelry is not always gold and not always understated. I think their point here isn't gold per se, but fine quality. In that case, often very true.

Oh Dear

2005-05-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Uh, I'm finding out a little too much about me today.

Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism.
You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can.

“Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!”

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page

Hedonism

75%

Existentialism

60%

Utilitarianism

50%

Justice (Fairness)

50%

Kantianism

35%

Strong Egoism

20%

Nihilism

Divine Command

Apathy

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

Testing...

2005-05-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

sashafoo, your Emotional IQ is 133.

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Tickle's Emotional IQ test. But your Emotional IQ score is much more than just a number: it's an indicator of success.

Research has shown that people with high emotional intelligence scores — not necessarily those with the highest IQ scores — tend to be the most valued and productive employees and have the longest and happiest romantic relationships.

So, where are you most emotionally smart? Your test results show that your strongest suit is perception — your ability to pick up on what others are feeling.

Because of this, you are unusually good at reading people's verbal and non-verbal cues. You're especially aware of the subtleties of people's actions, and can feel out the vibe of a situation better than many. That gives you an edge many wish they had. People with high perception skills like yours, however, tend to rely on them to the exclusion of others. As a result, they sometimes have underdeveloped abilities in other realms of critical emotional intelligence like managing emotions, empathy, and being expressive.

To truly excel in life and know how to relate to different people, you need to balance out the different kinds of emotional intelligence.

Research indicates that if people who are strong in perception can work to increase their overall emotional IQ score, they can prepare themselves to handle any interpersonal exchange with amazing skill — especially by learning to be empathetic and by being able to express what it is they are feeling or trying to say.

And the good news is that people who try to improve their emotional IQ have far greater success than people who try to improve their IQ.

How People-Smart Are You?

Really?

2005-05-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

sashafoo, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your sex life

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your sex life. But it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about your sexual encounters have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may wish your sex life were more satisfying, or you may worry that you're not good enough in bed. Perhaps you have conflicts about your sex life or you feel preoccupied with sex. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life — even if you don't feel aware of it.

However, you can learn easy ways to tap into your subconscious mind and discover the source of the issues that are preoccupying you.

What's really on your mind?

Horoscope

2005-05-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): It is with sheer determination now that you can push into worlds of thought that you'd normally steer away from. It's not the thinking that is scary to you; it's specifically what you are thinking about. Like buried treasure, great insights will be yours if you go into the hidden depths. The only thing to fear is ignorance.

The only thing to fear is ignorance. So true.

from Beliefnet.com

Support VAWA

2005-05-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

After all, you're not *for* violence against women, are you?

Husbands or boyfriends murder three women each day in the United States. And more than 700 women are raped or sexually assaulted every day. We can stop these tragedies. Join Amnesty International in ensuring that the U.S. government is carrying out its obligations to prevent violence against women and punish its perpetrators. This September, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) will be up for reauthorization. Please, ask your legislator to make sure it is reauthorized and fully funded.

Take Action

Urge to Kill Rising...

2005-05-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

High-ranking members of Congress want to take the war on drugs to a whole new level.

They want to increase penalties for every drug offense. They want a mandatory 2-year prison term for anyone who knows someone is selling marijuana on a college campus and fails to report it to the police within 24 hours. They want a mandatory 5-year prison term for someone at a party who passes a marijuana joint to someone who has been enrolled in drug treatment at some point in their life. They want to expand the federal "three strikes and you're out" law to include new offenses, including mandating life imprisonment (with no possibility of parole) for anyone convicted a third time under the RAVE Act.

These and other horrible provisions are inside Congressman Sensenbrenner's H.R. 1528, entitled "Defending America's Most Vulnerable: Safe Access to Drug Treatment and Child Protection Act of 2005".

Who will stop this insanity? You and me.

Trust Fund Scandal

2005-05-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter to the American People

Imagine the unimaginable-a bank that cannot tell you how much money should be in your account. Or how your money has been invested. Or even where your money is today.

Now, imagine that bank management and its lawyers are abusive to their customers and to the federal judge who is attempting to enforce the bank’s trust duties. Worse, imagine that the bank is plagued by fraud and corruption.

There is such a bank. It’s the U.S. Government. And the bank is currently run by Gale Norton, the Secretary of the Interior, and her Department of Justice lawyers.

For more than 118 years, the U.S. government has collected income from oil and gas leases, timber contracts and other uses of our land-by its own admission, at least $13 billion dollars. Yet, the government cannot account for these funds and it has destroyed almost all the trust records. Very little has ever been paid to the American Indian owners. At the same time, the Government has withheld our desperately needed trust funds, depriving the elderly, the infirm, and Indian children of adequate shelter, food and medical care.

COBELL v. NORTON, the landmark American Indian trust case, was filed almost nine years ago to enforce the trust duties owed by the Government. This is our land and our money. This is not an entitlements program. Unfortunately, the Government has worked hard to undermine the integrity of the judicial proceedings.

Millions of dollars of taxpayer funds are paid to private attorneys to defend the misconduct of Government officials in this litigation. At the same time, the Government retaliates against anyone who attempts to clean up this scandal-including the federal judge.

It’s no wonder the judge has called the Government’s misconduct in this case “the gold standard for arrogance in litigation strategy and tactics.”

Tell President Bush and Congress that it is time to stop this scandal and remove this stain on our nation’s honor.

Sincerely,

Elouise Cobell
Browning, Montana
On Behalf of 500,000 Individual Indians

(from FCNL)

Tom DeLay is Satan's Minion

2005-05-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

Submitted for your approval:

Accepted trips from corporations and later helped kill legislation they opposed

Accepted trips from the lobbyist for a foreign government in violation of House rules

Paid family members more than $500,000 out of campaign contributions

Helped sweatshops in the Mariana Islands at the behest of a lobbyist.

Promised a role in drafting legislation to a corporate donor

Tried to coerce a Congressman for a vote on Medicare

Allegedly used corporate money given to his PAC to finance Texas campaigns in violation of state law

Used Homeland Security resources in a dispute with Democrats in Texas

Diverted funds from a children's charity for lavish celebrations at the Republican convention

Threatened retaliation against interest groups that don't support Republicans

Stacked the House Ethics Committee with representatives who have contributed to his legal defense fund

Crippled the effectiveness of the House Ethics Committee by purging members who had rebuked him

Pushed for a rules change for the House Ethics process that paralyzed the panel

Sought a rule change that would have no longer "required leaders to step aside temporarily if indicted"

File Under:

2005-05-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

Dogs are better than people.

'Nother Test

2005-05-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm a freak. No surprise there.

How about you?

Fun-ish

2005-05-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

What my music tastes (allegedly) say about me.

Two of the dimension characteristic descriptions are right on. The other two are quite a bit off. One guess which is which.

Take the quiz yourself.

Okay, So

2005-05-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't finish going off my Paxil. Going from 10mg to zero is too big a step. I felt like my brain was trying to escape from my skull and, when it couldn't, spent its time trying to turn itself inside out. I was having hot and cold flashes. It was terrible. I had my husband cut a pill in half, so I took 5 mg and I've been doing that since. It's still a bit unpleasant - I always feel like I just stood up too fast or like I'm a bit drunk - but much better. This I can tolerate. When I last saw my doctor and we discussed this she mentioned that I might need to ramp down to 5 before quitting. I'm seeing her in 2 weeks to assess my meds. I'm thinking maybe I should switch to a different SSRI instead of quitting altogether. I like being on them and I'm not so sure I'm ready to fly without my magic feather, to use an ill-advised Disney metaphor. The reasons I wanted to go off the Paxil were to allow for pregnancy (although there's nothing to contraindicate) and to stop the weight gain. But it's not as though pregnancy is imminent. I'm still not sure I want kids at all; I keep vacillating. So really it's just the weight gain. And in that case I might as well switch my meds instead of quitting altogether.

Well, Hello

2005-05-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

1. Do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not?
No. Except with puppies. Love is a complicated emotion that develops over time. There's no ramen noodle instant version of love.
2. What physical feature attracts you the most (romantically) to another person?
None. I tend to forget what people look like. I'd be the worst eye witness. Even people I've known forever, I can't really describe them. On the other hand, I'll remember the words you use, the gestures you make, and your smell. I remember the smell of people I haven't seen in 10 years. But a friend I saw yesterday, I can't tell you how tall he is or what he was wearing.
3. What do you think is the biggest benefit of being in a romantic relationship?
Well, if it's a good relationship, that feeling of being in it together. You know, whatever happens we're in it together. Very summer blockbuster, but really it's comforting to know someone's there to catch you.
4. Biggest downside?
No downsides in a good relationship.
5. Has your idea of love and romance changed? If so, how?
In some respects. I understand sacrifice better now, and seeing another person's point of view. Previously, I thought a relationship was safe but a loss of freedom. Now I see that a relationship is about responsibility, which would be seen as a loss of freedom if one were disinclined toward responsibility.

Turns out marriage is the best thing I ever did, and I love my husband more every day. Sappy, I know, but true.

Chronicles of Paxil

2005-05-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

devolved into

headache

fever

ungh

Oh, My

2005-05-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

I went off my Paxil yesterday. Feeling woozy today. Head fuzzy, dizzy, can't think. Just want this day to be over.

Went to the beach yesterday to go fishing. We stopped at the market for lunch and asked where we could buy some bait. They looked at us like we'd asked for kryptonite. Guess they don't fish in Malibu. Anyway, turns out we needn't have asked. We scouted out some rocks with a nice plateau for fishing - juts out into the surf, very nice - and they were covered with mussels. Free bait. There was one guy there fishing. We saw a seal sunning itself on a rock, until someone came along and the seal got startled and dove into the water. Two dolphins were swimming near shore. It was a great day. Next time we'll do some fishing.

Watched The Ring yesterday. I know, I'm like the last person on Earth to see it. I'm like that with most movies. It was better than I expected. One of those where I'm not too scared watching it, but it stays with me and scares me later.

Friday

2005-05-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

No Five yet, so we're going retro.

1. Christmas is celebrated by many people in many different ways. What does Christmas mean to you?
The wonderful smell of pine, wood fires, and baked goods.
2. Have you or do you attend a religious service on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Why?
No. Didn't in the past because my family's Mormon and they don't do that; they stick to Sundays. Don't now cause I'm an atheist.
3. It’s a Wonderful Life, Rudolph, Frosty, Home Alone? What is your favorite holiday film?
I hate holiday films. They're completing devoid of any artistic value or other redeeming qualities.
4. Which is better; the giving, or the getting?
Definitely the giving. All part of my masochistic, controlling nature.
5. When you were little, what was something you asked Santa for, but now may make you chuckle?
They used to have these exercise sets marketed to little girls - pink and purple weights, ribbon baton, mat.

Actually, that doesn't make me chuckle so much as cry. It was the first sign of my eating disorder slash body dismorphic disorder. Which, though I'm a bit better, I still struggle with today. I'm shocked now that I thought I was fat in elementary school. The truth is I've always been very thin. And now I'm on the lower end of average. Yet I routinely see myself as being much heavier.

The other day my husband and I were watching a plastic surgery show. This girl was going in for liposuction and when they showed the picture of her in bra and panties I said "she's not much bigger than me". My husband was like "she's way bigger than you; she's fat". Sadly, I wasn't fishing for compliments; I actually believed that I was almost as big as her. What's even worse is that I've completely assimilated the societal scale that says a woman's value is contingent on her weight. I believe fat is bad.

The only time I thought I looked good was when my hip bones jutted out, my thighs didn't touch with my knees pressed together, and my upper arms were thinner than my elbows. Even then I thought my stomach was too big.

Something in my head is totally tweaked.

Friday Five

2005-04-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

1. You have the summer and plenty of money to travel abroad. Where would you go?
Bali, Japan, Thailand
2. What foods would you be sure to eat?
I'd try everything, as long as it's dead.
3. What landmarks would you be sure to see?
None. I'd rather soak up the feel of a place, not do a scavenger hunt.
4. What airline would you use?
I have no idea.
5. Would your knowledge of other languages influence where you went? (i.e. would you be more likely to go to France if you spoke French?)
A little. I'd like to visit France but I'm reluctant because I'm not fluent in French.

Folderol Five

2005-04-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

1. What is the first record/tape/CD that you bought?
Bananarama record - a birthday present for my friend - sixth grade. I don't think I had any recorded music of my own until high school. Then I had tapes of The Byrds, Guns N Roses, and The Cure.
2. Who is your favorite all time band/singer?
My taste is constantly evolving, so I only have current favorites, no all-time favorites.
3. What have you been listening to lately?
Currently I'm digging the Muse, Snow Patrol, Interpol.
4. What is your favorite radio station, what do they play, and where do they broadcast?
Indie 103.1, indie rock mostly, L.A.
5. Can you recommend a good song or CD that everyone should listen to?
There's no "one size fits all" in music. However, for all the indie-rockers out there, I would encourage you to listen to Kasey Chambers. Get outside your head.

Kids In America

2005-04-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

I will never forgive you for voting off Constantine.

Stupid America and your stupid voting for stupid Scott.

You voted for W but I stood by you. You voted for Arnold and still I stood by you.

But this. This! How could you?

I hate, hate, hate you.

*pout*