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Monday, October 10, 2005

About Face  
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Even if things at home seem organized, you might feel like moving furniture, rearranging pictures, or painting a room. Altering your living space isn't to be taken lightly; in some ways it can help change your life. This is more about adding movement than creating something that will last. The vision that you express here can bring new energy to other areas of your life as well.
beliefnet.com

Capital idea! This weekend I started into a frenzy of cleaning. My spring cleaning is very unpredictable, not relegated to spring at all. I have found that harping on my husband to clean does no good. Turns out all I have to do is start cleaning myself, and then he joins in on his own. I know I always feel kinda guilty if someone else is cleaning and I'm not. Perhaps he feels the same. I just wordlessly got a bunch of cleaning accoutrements out of the cupboard and started cleaning; he jumped right in with his part. Same is true of his music; he doesn't write songs, he accompanies them.

He just finished laying down the drum tracks for their next album. Now the other guys will do the guitars and vocals. They should have it done in a couple or few weeks. Then it's on to mixing and packaging, blah, blah, blah. So, probably printed by year-end and touring early next year. He asked if I was going to play flute on the album. I'm not sure if he was joking or not. I said if they wrote up some sheet music I could play it, but I'm not good enough (or confident enough) to play something hummed or, for that matter, to come up with something on my own. It scares me but I'm willing to try it. I like to make a point of doing scary things; it causes growth.

I want a big change. To explain, my life feels stagnant. I'm stuck and I don't like it. I don't like where I am. No Bachelor's, no house, no kids. I don't want to be a secretary anymore; I'm too old to be "just a secretary". I only ever planned on doing this until my late twenties. Of course, "planned" is meant in the loosest fashion. "Imagined" might be more apropos. And that, of course, is the problem, if I want to call it that. It isn't a problem if I like it, but I don't anymore. Perhaps I'll be a marriage counselor, perhaps a librarian, but I definitely don't want to be a secretary forever, and I certainly do want to be a college graduate.

Also, I've got to get back into art. I can't stand how empty life is without creation. How can people live as spectators? Collecting art is satisfying, but I really do need to create my own as well. I often have ideas for a project, and then I do nothing with it. I let all my creative thoughts starve and rot. These old bones rattling in my head are like a cacophony of rebuke. Sometimes, I'm all thought and no action.

This is not how it will be.