Nepenthe

 

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

So True  
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Sometimes people don't understand how difficult it is being a Libra. You just want everything to be nice, but of course, life doesn't always measure up to your ideals. You may be struggling now to find a middle path through this obstacle course you've been running. It feels as if you are going too fast or too slow and that you are doing too much or not enough. Adjust your pace often until you find one that works. from Beliefnet.com

I have so much I'm working through right now.

We've been discussing moving out of state because of the incredibly high cost of real estate here - it's impossible to get a foothold - but that raises the specter of employment. And where would we go that would still have everything we do like about L.A. without the high cost? Shangri-La perhaps? It would also mean trashing my dream of going to UCLA. Ouch.

At work, management has managed us right into a $1.2 mil hole. Nice going. So, the specter of layoffs plus the urgent desire to save face adds up to ever-pettier discipline. As shop steward I had to represent a co-worker in a meeting yesterday because management claims she has a habit of not following the call-in procedure when she's late. Here's a real example: she was two minutes late because there was a traffic detour a block from work. Management insists the proper response is to pull over and call her supervisor from a pay phone to advise that she will be late. So, the solution to being two minutes late is to spend five minutes advising that you will be late, another five minutes filing the paperwork for being late once you get here, and another five minutes submitting the forms to be reimbursed for the call. Any wonder we're so far in debt? (BTW, we all agree that if you *know* you're going to be late, i.e. you wake up late or have car trouble, you call from home to advise. We've all been following that procedure.)

Another interesting fact: as we've added managerial staff, we've gotten further in debt. Correlation is not causation, I know, but it does make you wonder.

Our next-door neighbor is moving out. Kind of a bummer; we weren't friends or anything, and didn't even talk much beyond a passing hello, but she was easy to live next to. She isn't terribly noisy, but also isn't too quiet. The first is obvious, but the reason I mention the second is that if a neighbor is too quiet, they might very well expect the same from you. A not-too-quiet neighbor can be relied upon to allow some leniency. We should have a party before she leaves. I hope whoever takes her place is okay.

My current Paxil dosage is 5mg/day. That's a very low dose indeed. It was too difficult for me to drop from 10 to 0. I don't think they even make 5mg pills, so I'm cutting my 10 mils in half. So far it's going all right. I am noticing a difference - I'm a bit crankier, not as perky, and I've been having some various stomach-related issues - but nothing too awful. The real test will be when I stop completely. I think I'll try again on Sunday; Monday's a holiday so I'll have a full day to acclimate without the distraction of work or school. If I can get through that, I think I'll be okay.

It's pretty much a given that I'll have recurring bouts of depression. Of people who have experienced two or more major episodes, 90% will have another. So, the key is to be better prepared, better able to handle it when it happens. Must find new ways to cope. This might mean going back into talk therapy, and that's okay. The main thing for me has been shedding the fear and shame. The only people I hide it from are my co-workers, and that's for the practical reason of not giving management an excuse to write me off (her complaints aren't valid, it's just her depression), not because of any emotional reason.

We've been continuing our occassional discussions re: children. I arrogantly think we would be good parents. I also selfishly don't want to give up my life as it is. So really, if I'm going to have kids, I need to humble myself. And, really, who wants to do that? It's worse than broccoli. So, I'm dragging my feet. My husband's scared of having kids, though he likes the idea in theory and agrees that we probably ought to, which is a very valid response. I can totally see where he's coming from with that. The prospect of irrevocable parenthood is pretty frightening.

We never move forward, only in circles.