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Friday, May 06, 2005

No Five yet, so we're going retro.

1. Christmas is celebrated by many people in many different ways. What does Christmas mean to you?
The wonderful smell of pine, wood fires, and baked goods.
2. Have you or do you attend a religious service on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Why?
No. Didn't in the past because my family's Mormon and they don't do that; they stick to Sundays. Don't now cause I'm an atheist.
3. It’s a Wonderful Life, Rudolph, Frosty, Home Alone? What is your favorite holiday film?
I hate holiday films. They're completing devoid of any artistic value or other redeeming qualities.
4. Which is better; the giving, or the getting?
Definitely the giving. All part of my masochistic, controlling nature.
5. When you were little, what was something you asked Santa for, but now may make you chuckle?
They used to have these exercise sets marketed to little girls - pink and purple weights, ribbon baton, mat.

Actually, that doesn't make me chuckle so much as cry. It was the first sign of my eating disorder slash body dismorphic disorder. Which, though I'm a bit better, I still struggle with today. I'm shocked now that I thought I was fat in elementary school. The truth is I've always been very thin. And now I'm on the lower end of average. Yet I routinely see myself as being much heavier.

The other day my husband and I were watching a plastic surgery show. This girl was going in for liposuction and when they showed the picture of her in bra and panties I said "she's not much bigger than me". My husband was like "she's way bigger than you; she's fat". Sadly, I wasn't fishing for compliments; I actually believed that I was almost as big as her. What's even worse is that I've completely assimilated the societal scale that says a woman's value is contingent on her weight. I believe fat is bad.

The only time I thought I looked good was when my hip bones jutted out, my thighs didn't touch with my knees pressed together, and my upper arms were thinner than my elbows. Even then I thought my stomach was too big.

Something in my head is totally tweaked.