Nepenthe

 

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Monday, December 27, 2004

Disclosure  
I just realized something. I hate being female. Really. I'm disgusted by my breasts, which are evidence of my female-ness. Ditto for my menstrual cycle. I've internalized my anger at the cultural position of women and at the women in my early life, and I've twisted it into a self-hatred. I hate what women have done to me. I hate what women are. I hate my own inclusion in that group. I want to be free and in my mind being male is freedom. In my life I've seen males having more freedom. The only power a woman really has is to manipulate a man with her female-ness. I hate my own sense of powerless-ness. And I've attributed that to being female. A lot of this has to do with being raised in a very conservative, religious household.

I'm trying to shed this inefficient, unhappy persona and redefine who I am. I am not my weight, I am not my grades, I am not my income, I am not my things. So, what am I instead?