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Friday, December 03, 2004

Coda  
Had my final therapy session last night. It was a very positive experience. We discussed our thoughts about the process, what we learned, what we gained. At our previous session I'd brought up that I had a difficult decision. I wasn't sure whether to continue my education or start a family. I'm at a transitional point in both situations. In school, I've finished my AA degree, general ed transfer courses, and lower division courses for my major (psychology), so I'm at the point where I could start at UCLA next fall. As for family, I just turned 30 so the clock is definitely ticking.

The window for applying to UCLA is November 1-30. I printed out the application booklet but then kept putting it off. When I finally sat down and looked through it, I realized I was dreading it a little. I was really reluctant to push on til morning, as it were. One thing I've learned in therapy is that I don't have to blindly obey the voices in my head. I can talk back to them. I've had this single-minded goal of "finish college" for so long and I haven't questioned it. So, I questioned it. Why am I going? What is this for? Well, really it's for personal enrichment. I mean, I could make a career out of it, but I don't need to and that isn't the main purpose. Really, I just enjoy the subject and want to keep learning. Hell, I'll probably never finish school anyway, because I love it. I'll keep learning forever, God willing. So, since it's not for a career, then I don't really need to go now. I could go whenever. School's going to be there whenever I want it.

Now, as for starting a family, my husband isn't quite ready, though he's warming up to it. I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant and it was actually rather unnerving. In the dream I was thinking it's too soon. While I had been focussing on the choice as being difficult because there's no right choice, my therapist pointed out that there's no wrong choice, either. I hadn't thought of that, and I must say it was rather freeing. Hey, I can't screw this up no matter what. Cool!

So I decided to do neither, for now. I've spent so much of my life trying to be somewhere else, trying to be someone else. Now that I've discarded all these useless pieces - all these shackles, if you'll lend me the melodramatic license for a bit here - I want to hang out and see what this new person is like. I want to let the gelatin set. Just be here now. Cliche, certainly, but apropos. I'm never here now. So much so, that I will actually walk into poles sometimes. It baffles my husband that I can be so completely oblivious of my surroundings sometimes.

I'm taking a year off from school to enjoy my life. Like I said, school will always be there. But this point in my life won't. My husband wholeheartedly supports my decision. He's such a great guy and I want to enjoy my time with him. My therapy has also strengthened our relationship. It hurt my husband to see me be so hard on myself. Now that I'm not spending so much energy beating myself up I can be more present for him. I want one year of being happy with myself, my husband, and my life before we bring a child into it. That's a good foundation.

I love therapy. Everyone should do it. I can't believe I waited so long.