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Monday, September 13, 2004

How Do  
My husband and I went to movie and a dinner with my mom Saturday. We saw Vanity Fair, which was really beautiful and fun, and ate at PF Chang's, yummy. The best thing was that I had decided to be completely honest. Usually I'm rather secretive with my family because I don't want to risk their disapproval. There was a lot of it when I was growing up because I'm terribly independent and curious, wonderful qualities in an adult but quite frustrating in a child. Also I like surprising/shocking them, to some extent, particularly with hair and clothes. When I came sauntering in one day to a family dinner wearing a pink dress they were floored.

We've been seriously discussing having kids and I was planning on not telling my family and then just waltzing in one day very pregnant. But I've decided that all this secretive behavior really stems from control issues and fear of disapproval. I've realized that no one will stop loving me if I make a mistake or fail at something. I've always been quick to avoid or discard something, walk away, rather than fail. But that robs me of an experience. Failure is necessary. So I decided to be honest and forthcoming.

I told my mom I was in therapy and on Paxil. Turns out she's been both. We had a bonding moment discussing our different responses to Paxil and our therapy experiences. I told her we were thinking about kids and that I really wanted them. She neither squealed with joy nor had a stroke. We sat around talking for a long time. It was great! I feel closer to my mom than ever. So liberating. My fear was so unnecessary. This is so much better, more peaceful.

My husband and I are going to see the Pixies in Santa Barbara. They're playing in L.A., but it's at the Greek. I like the Greek, don't get me wrong, but the parking situation there is atrocious! I dread getting in and out of that place. I don't do well with traffic. So when I saw they were playing in Santa Barbara I thought, "road trip". It'll be a little mini-vacation. I sure could use it. It's on Sunday, so we'll take Monday off and get a hotel room. Yay! My husband has seen them before, but I haven't. I was too young and sheltered.

We also bought a ticket for a friend of ours but she doesn't know it yet. I asked her if she wanted us to get her a ticket, but she didn't have any money and doesn't like to borrow, so she passed. But she's had such a rough time this year and really would like to go, and besides it's only 50 bucks; so I talked to my husband, he agreed and we bought the extra ticket. She'll probably feel a little bad about it, but we'll just have her drive and buy us a drink and we can call it even.