Nepenthe

 

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Friday, September 03, 2004

Baby's First Therapy  
Had my very first therapy session last Friday. I really like my therapist; she's nice and calm. Her office smells nice because she burns a candle. She's an MFT and an art therapist. She was barefoot. It sounds new-agey, which I don't generally like, but she didn't seem all wavy-gravy. She seemed really grounded and focussed. Her communication is very clear, she explains everything very well so there's no confusion or misinterpretation. It's all spelled out. This is a project we're entering into to help fix me.

The first visit was mostly paperwork. Lots of insurance paperwork and legal paperwork, but there was also a three page bio for me to fill out so she can get a sense of where I'm coming from. Really it was like a therapy session done in writing. She questioned me about a few of the things in my bio, to clarify what I meant, and she said she's excited to be working with me. At first I was like, wow, she's really interested in treating me, but then later I thought about it and maybe she meant she was excited to have someone so fucked up to use in her case studies. Like she could really exercise her knowledge on me; I'd be a real challenge. Perhaps she'll write a book about my case. I'm half-teasing; I'm not so fucked up, but I do have an unusual biography.

I was apprehensive at first but now I feel really positive and optimistic about this new experience. It's going to be difficult, no doubt, but well worth it. I'll need to deal with things I've been ignoring for years. When I think back now, I can't remember ever not being depressed and anxious. Even as a child. My mom once said I was never like a child; it was like I was a small adult. I never felt like the other kids; I always felt separated from everyone else, even though I always had lots of friends and everyone seemed to like me. All that attention just couldn't get through my haze.

I have my second session today where I suppose we'll start getting our hands dirty. I'm just a bit nervous, but I know it will be good. It's like with school - before class I don't feel like going, but after class I'm always glad I did. Going to class makes me feel good and I think therapy will be like that. It's like a class where you learn how to be human.