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Monday, April 21, 2003

Is It Obvious?  
I've been quite depressed lately. I hesitate to say anything about it because I have no right to complain when my life is so much better than so many others'. Nevertheless, keeping it to myself is certainly not working. In list form, because it's my favorite.

1) It turns out there's been a lot of shit going on at work that I was unaware of because I work in a smaller, isolated department. Recently I was nominated to be the shop steward for our office; now all of the other secretaries come to me for advice. I had no idea there were so many problems, and now I feel responsible for all of them.

2) I put a peace flyer in my window and my landlord insisted I remove it immediately because it violated my lease. I'm to have no displays. Add that to my run-in with Mr. Army at the rally and now I feel like everyone who supports the war wants to hurt me and will do so given any opportunity. It's gotten so that every U.S. flag is like a punch in my stomach, and there are a LOT of flags in my town. My husband thinks I'm overreacting; that nobody would ever try to hurt me. But a guy at work was out having lunch with a friend, discussing the war and from another booth this man and his wife started yelling at him and threatening him. And that was in Pasadena, a town much more liberal than the one I live in.

3) At the end of this semester, I'll finish my Associate degree at PCC. My plan has been to transfer to UCLA. I'll need to take a couple more classes to finish my transfer curriculum and then I'll be ready to go. Problem is ... I'm not ready. The biggest issue is transportation. UCLA is in a zone of Extremely Bad Traffic. It is not physically possible to drive there after work in time for any weekday evening classes. Which means I'll be further limited to taking only weekend classes. Yahoo Maps says it's 21.8 miles from my home and driving time is 37 minutes. In reality it will take at least an hour. Moving closer to school would mean moving farther from work and spending more rent for less apartment.

4) I want to have kids, probably two. How am I going to cram that in with work and school? How am I going to afford to give them the opportunities I want them to have? I'm running out of time.

5) I don't know who this person is that I've become. I'll be 29 in October. I remember what I was and what I wished to be, and now I'm not either of those. In part, this is a good thing. But I feel like I've thrown out an important part of myself along with all the crap that needed to be destroyed. Is this really who I am? And sundry other identity crises.

I'm sorry; between this post and the last I've probably depressed everyone reading this. (All three of you. *smirk*) Next post will be all upbeat, I promise.