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Friday, November 15, 2002

Thank you Molly  
From a post on Violently Ambivalent
Lord knows that I enjoy reading strangers' weblogs, but do they have to read mine? I know it's stupid, but I kind of get all heebie-jeebie, just a little, when I think about people I don't know reading the dumb stuff I say.
I thought of writing a comment apologizing for inadvertently upsetting her with my peeping eyes and mentioning, conversationally, that I had the opposite view. I prefer strangers to read my website and actually don't want people I know to read it because strangers don't have the expectations of me that friends do. Then it occurred to me, that's kinda fucked up. To think that I don't want my friends reading my posts because it might go against their notions of who I am. Oh, bad, bad, bad.
It gets even more twisted because that point of view goes against my own notion of who I am. Here I was nurturing this idea of myself as someone who doesn't care overly much what others think of her and just "is herself". But it's all a crock! I'm not so independent after all. *sigh* Time to put on the rubber gloves and work on these intimacy & trust issues. Wish me luck!
And a sincere thanks to Molly for being the unknowing catalyst for this revelation.